Reader Mail: We Stopped Talking

Posted by Cherie Burbach Jul 10, 2007

READER MAIL:

Dear Dating@Suite101,

I have an issue, and I'm not sure that there is anything I can do about it but here it goes. Last year my boyfriend and I were going through a little bit of a rough patch, I didn't know at the time, but it had to do with, my brother living in our basement for free longer than planned, me wanting to eventually get married, and us not talking about things. My boyfriend moved out without an explanation (until much later). I was upset about it, and broke up with him, we ended up getting back together, but our relationship was still strained.

A male friend of mine invited me to a movie, which I went to, but I lied to my boyfriend about it. I guess I lied because I didn't feel like he needed to know ( I now realize that he does, and I was just mad), and because I didn't want to deal with him being mad at me for it. Nothing happened between me and this friend, but my boyfriend found out that I lied. We worked past it (or so I thought) we have been together for the last five years. Recently though, he has been bringing it up again, and saying that he feels he can't trust me like he used to because I "cheated on him".

He admits that I haven't done anything since then to question my honesty. I just don't know how to get us over this. It's really straining both of us. We both are very committed to each other and want to work this out.

RESPONSE:

Dear Reader:

Thank you for your question. I'm sure a lot of people out there relate to your story because it centers around communication. You hit the nail on the head when you said, "and us not talking about things." Misunderstandings grow exponentially when people stop talking.

First, your boyfriend moved out and didn't explain himself until much later. You indicate that you broke up with him but you don't say how much you two talked about things then. I suspect the hurt feelings and misunderstandings were still around, but because the two of you care about each other you didn't want to jump back into those negative waters. The problem is, avoiding communication because you think you might argue just means you're not able to truly work through the issues you have in your relationship.

Second, you mention the movie you went to and acknowledge that it was wrong of you to have lied to your boyfriend about it. But you said the two of you worked through it, so for him to keep bringing it up again now isn't right. Once you forgive someone you've got to let things go, or your relationship can't truly flourish.

My advice is to once again sit down with your partner and talk about things. Since you've tried to talk in the past but haven't been able to get to the heart of your issues, consider consulting a good couple's therapist. They might be able to help you both talk about the things you've found difficult to discuss and also assist in coming to a place of real forgiveness.