Gifted Perfectionism: Definition, Risks, Perfectionist Procrastination, and Gifted Underachievement

Do you know a child who responds to the slightest failure with exclamations like "I hate myself" or "I'm stupid"? I do. I worry about her. My gifted daughter started exhibiting signs of a perfectionist personality during her preschool years. Her expectations were unrealistically high and the slightest setback brought a string of self-criticism. It was all a bit too familiar, though with slight variations. My daughter is irrepressibly tidy and I am not. My daughter needs things "just so" and I envision myself as relatively flexible- to a point. I can tolerate a bit more chaos. We both share a self-concept hinging on personal performance, especially in academics. We both can be harsh self-critics, and we both have a fear of failure. We both have a tendency to avoid challenge to protect our fragile egos. Neither of us manifest our perfectionism as pleasers. We both have a strong, defiant streak. In high school, I was the gifted underachiever who frustrated teachers and disappointed parents. I would procrastinate out of a fear of failure. Then when I finally panicked, I would get lost in the details and exceed the criteria for the assignment. This led to a lot of work being late or never being completed. At times, I would throw away a completed project that didn’t meet my standards. Often the work would have earned a B+ or an A-. In my mind, it was better to receive an F than turn in less than perfect work. My fear of not being the best, of trying and failing, led me to pass up a lot of opportunities: early entrance to college, a summer spending time with a state senator I had impressed, a chance to go to medical school at Stanford. My perfectionism was deeply rooted in a home environment where I was praised for academic achievement and received conditional approval based on performance. When I got my first B in high school, my mother told me I might as well drop out because I would never go to Harvard. That all-or-nothing mindset is a hallmark of perfectionism. I didn’t realize how much perfectionism had shaped my life, career, and relationships until I sought help for my daughter. Dr. Nancy Robinson, of the University of Washington Center for Young Scholars, said reading Carol Dweck's Mindset was the first step to helping my daughter avoid the major risks of perfectionism The parenting tips would help my daughter develop a growth mindset by focusing on encouragement rather than praise. The next step was providing her appropriate challenge so that she became accustomed to working to learn new concepts rather than expecting effortless performance. She needed academic experiences where she was not always the best and opportunities to work through failure. In our case, this meant grade acceleration. Essentially, we set her up for small, manageable failure so that she could develop resiliency. Working through challenge will help her find happiness and eventual success. Luckily, she was still young enough that she quickly regained her love of learning. She still struggles with a perfectionist personality, but often moderates these tendencies with a growth-minded approach. My job as mom of a gifted perfectionist is providing a consistent environment of unconditional approval and encouragement while modeling a growth mindset. As a perfectionist myself, that can be quite a challenge. I am happy to report that helping my daughter with her perfectionism has reduced the number of self-imposed hurdles I place on my own performance. I would never have been able to risk writing professionally before tackling my perfectionism. This series of articles on gifted perfectionism should help other families struggling to strike a balance between encouraging excellence and fostering unhealthy perfectionism: “Understanding Perfectionism in Gifted Kids” defines the condition and dispels misconceptions that perfectionism can ever be healthy. “Avoiding the Challenges of Gifted Perfectionism” discusses the causes of a perfectionist personality and the risks of perfectionism. “Tips for Parenting Gifted Perfectionist Gifted Children” and “How to Overcome Perfectionism & Procrastination” are filled with parenting strategies to encourage a growth mindset and stop perfectionist procrastination.