Domestic Abuse

Ideally, after a period of combined tutoring, talk therapy, and (anti-anxiety or antidepressant) medications, the survivor will self-mobilize and emerge from the experience more resilient and assertive and less gullible and self-deprecating. But therapy is not always a smooth ride.

Oct 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

The DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) criteria for diagnosing PTSD are far too restrictive. PTSD seems to also develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse and in the aftermath of drawn out traumatic situations (such a nasty divorce). Hopefully, the text will be adapted to reflect this sad reality.

Sep 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

Aug 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Abusers are narcissistic and possessed of alloplastic defenses. More simply put, they feel superior, entitled, above any law and agreement, and innocent. Others - usually the victims - are to blame for the abusive conduct ("see what you made me do?").

Jul 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Burney is no intellectual revolutionary. He adheres to the venerable (mostly psychodynamic) tradition of attributing most of our problems as adults to faulty "intellectual programming" and to emotional wounds inflicted on us during childhood. It follows that the solution is simple: get rid of both and you are home-free. Substituting healthy conscious processes for dysfunctional unconscious ones and healing the emotional injuries one suffered in one's formative years requires access to one's "inner child".

Jun 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Jeavons is a survivor of incest. Courageously, she embarks on an exploration of the multi-faceted phenomenon of child abuse. Correctly, she observes that such unflinching but compassionate personal quests are the first step on the way to healing.

May 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Robert Barney, the author of "Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls" does not fall into the twin traps of stereotype and righteousness.

Apr 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals. This simple truth is often ignored by mental health practitioners, by law enforcement agencies, and by the media.

Mar 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Feels entitled to your time, attention, admiration, and resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained rage and vindictiveness. Can turn violent because he feels omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions.

Feb 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Harold Bloom called Freud "The central imagination of our age". That psychoanalysis is not a scientific theory in the strict, rigorous sense of the word has long been established.

Jan 1, 2005 - Sam Vaknin

Psychological theories of the mind are metaphors of the mind. They are fables and myths, narratives, stories, hypotheses, conjunctures. They play (exceedingly) important roles in the psychotherapeutic setting – but not in the laboratory.

Dec 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands "on your behalf", talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

Nov 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only denominator common to all bullying stalkers is their pent-up rage. The stalker is angry at his or her targets and hates them. He perceives his victims as unnecessarily and churlishly frustrating. The aim of stalking is to "educate" the victim and to punish her.

Oct 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Stalkers have narcissistic traits. Many of them suffer from personality disorders. The vindictive stalker is usually a psychopath (has Antisocial Personality Disorder). They all conform to the classic definition of a bully.

Sep 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Contrary to common opinion, there has been a marked decline in domestic violence in the last decade. Moreover, rates of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse in various societies and cultures - vary widely. It is, therefore, safe to conclude that abusive conduct is not inevitable and is only loosely connected to the prevalence of mental illness (which is stable across ethnic, social, cultural, national, and economic barriers).

Aug 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Abuse by proxy continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are concerned). The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others – more vindictive and obsessed – continue to haunt their ex-spouses for years to come. These are the stalkers.

Jul 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

A person is held not responsible for his criminal actions if s/he cannot tell right from wrong ("lacks substantial capacity either to appreciate the criminality (wrongfulness) of his conduct" - diminished capacity), did not intend to act the way he did (absent "mens rea") and/or could not control his behavior ("irresistible impulse"). These handicaps are often associated with "mental disease or defect" or "mental retardation".

Jun 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Do not succumb to your weakness. It is tough living alone. You are bound to miss him horribly at times, selectively recalling only the good moments and the affection in your doomed relationship. Do not "dip" into the poisonous offerings of your abuser. Do not relapse. Be strong. Fill your life with new hobbies, new interests, new friends, new loves, and a new purpose.

May 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Selecting the right professional is crucial. In the hands of an incompetent service provider, you may end up feeling abused all over again.

Apr 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Communicate with your abuser politely and reasonably. Do not let yourself get provoked! Do not throw temper tantrums or threaten anyone, not even indirectly! Restrain your hostility. Talk calmly and articulately. Count to ten or take a break, if you must.

Mar 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four types of collaborators: the adulators, the blissfully ignorant, the self-deceiving and those deceived by the batterer's conduct or statements.

Feb 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

In the court-mandated evaluation phase, you should insist to first find out whether your abuser suffers from mental health disorders. These may well be the - sometimes treatable - roots of his abusive conduct. A qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from a personality disorder only following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

Jan 1, 2004 - Sam Vaknin

Your abuser "agrees" (is forced) to attend therapy. But are the sessions worth the effort? What is the success rate of various treatment modalities in modifying the abuser's conduct, let alone in "healing" or "curing" him? Is psychotherapy the panacea it is often made out to be - or a nostrum, as many victims of abuse claim? And why is it applied only after the fact - and not as a preventive measure?

Dec 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

How can one negotiate with an abuser without incurring his wrath? What is the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the abuser to keep his end of the bargain - for instance, to actually seek therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or counseling to start with?

Nov 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

Can abusers be "reconditioned"? Can they be "educated" or "persuaded" not to abuse?

Oct 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

Is abuse anomalous - or an inevitable part of human nature? If the former - is it the outcome of flawed genetics, nurture (environment and upbringing) - or both? Can it be "cured" - or merely modified, regulated, and accommodated? There are three groups of theories - three schools - regarding abusers and their conduct.

Sep 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

Abuse is bound to be found in patriarchal, narcissistic, or misogynistic collectives. Many societies exhibit cross sections of these three traits. Thus, most patriarchal groups are also misogynistic, either overtly and ideologically so - or covertly and in denial.

Aug 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters - outdoors, they are wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community. Why this duplicity?

Jul 1, 2003 - Sam Vaknin

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" - representations of outside objects, such as his victims.

Jun 17, 2003 - Sam Vaknin