Irish Culture

"...Whether or not his stories were the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, we were never really sure. Nor did we care, just so long as they kept us entertained."

Apr 4, 2002 -

"...the eleventh dimension is a like cosmic bubble bath of infinite proportions - and our universe is merely one little bubble in the bath. Just as long as we're at the end farthest away from the plug-hole..."

Feb 28, 2002 -

“…currency traders earn their daily crust by carefully analyzing all the data available before making informed decisions as to which currencies are going to rise and which are going to fall in the near future. Or else they toss a coin.”

Feb 17, 2002 -

"...And that was when it hit me. That was the moment I finally knew the source of my troubled days and sleepless nights, the moment I recognized the root cause of the constant and unwavering guilt that had driven me to seek the help of Dr. Siegfried Mulder."

Jan 25, 2002 -

"...conversation around the dinner table was punctuated with anguished cries as members of the family attempted to retrieve their food from the cauldron."

Jan 9, 2002 -

"...a defibrillator is a device used by doctors to apply electric shocks to hearts that have ceased to function. Personally, I find a January credit card statement more than adequate for the job."

Dec 12, 2001 -

"...if it is necessary to pay the equivalent of Argentina’s national debt for a cup of coffee and an apple strudel, it will be of some consolation in future not to have to pay currency conversion charges as well."

Nov 30, 2001 -

"...contrary to popular belief, saddles are not made of leather. Saddles are actually constructed of concrete, or possibly carved from granite. Either way, the effect is much the same."

Nov 6, 2001 -

"...I produced a dying scream of such sheer, unadulterated terror that Alfred Hitchcock, had he been present, would have raised his hat in admiration."

Oct 23, 2001 -

"...I would have thought the last food item anyone would want to introduce into a fallout shelter is baked beans."

Oct 9, 2001 -

"...'Whassamatta wit you?' he demanded, his patience finally running out. 'Why you bustin’ my chops?' I checked, but as far as I could see I wasn’t within busting distance of anything remotely resembling a chop."

Sep 25, 2001 -

"...by the time the wave has battled its way through Customs and Immigration, it will be fit for nothing more than to lie in a dark room with a cold cloth across its eyes. And that’s assuming its luggage doesn’t go astray in the first place."

Sep 11, 2001 -

"...I just can’t see too many heated arguments around the average Irish breakfast table over who gets to eat the last ‘pig offal and fat’ sausage."

Aug 28, 2001 -

"...it's not every day that a bloke walks out of Murphy’s Supermarket wearing white silk flares and a gold lamé jacket. In rhinestone-encrusted boots, at that."

Aug 16, 2001 -

"...The upshot of it all was that Egyptian civilization finally collapsed after thousands of years because nobody could be found to clean the toilets."

Aug 14, 2001 -

"...what do you think is going to happen when Mrs. Murphy throws a passing glance through the Library window at the very moment that a great big, hairy Australian comes bouncing out of the shower cubicle wearing nothing but a bathing cap and a sheepish grin?"

Jul 26, 2001 -

"...who’s to say that if I nip outside every couple of days to give the apple tree a quick squeeze, it won’t produce a few extra apples come autumn time?"

Jul 17, 2001 -

"...one by one, the galaxies will grow cold and lifeless, ending up as nothing more than piles of rubble strewn aimlessly around a featureless vacuum. In other words, the end of the universe is going to look exactly like our back yard after the builders finished the conservatory and left without cleaning up."

Jul 3, 2001 -

"...their next goal will be to reduce levels of methane emission. Which should be quite a simple thing to do, actually. Apart from cutting out the onion soup and baked beans, they simply need to ensure that the cattle and sheep avoid curry, three-alarm (or stronger) chilli, and pints of Guinness. Well, it works for me."

Jun 19, 2001 -

"...The Revenue Commissioners are the Irish equivalent of the Internal Revenue Service. Beyond that, I make no comment – other than to say that the Revenue Commissioners are the most wonderful bunch of people you are ever likely to meet, universally loved by the entire Irish Nation in the same way that the IRS is so adored by the American people."

Jun 5, 2001 -

"...The way I see it, there are only two plausible explanations for what happened to the sheep: either the leprechauns in the Cooley area have gone into the wool business, or this is the work of aliens. I’m inclined towards the latter view."

May 22, 2001 -

"...The population of Ireland is approximately 3.75 million, ('approximately' because they wouldn't stand still long enough to be counted), and the adult literacy rate is 98%. Incidentally, the other two percent work in the print media."

May 11, 2001 -