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Pitchers Demand Trade

© Scott L. Friend

It was reported in a New York City tabloid that Roger Clemens, Mike Mussina, David Wells, Orlando Hernandez, Mike Stanton, and Mariano Rivera have petitioned Brian Cashman because they are collectively demanding a trade to another team in the A.L. East.

It seems that these outstanding pitchers would like the opportunity to face the Yankees lineup 19 games a year to pad their wins, ERA, and strikeout statistics.

"These guys can't hit for spit," said Wells, when asked about the potency of the overpriced offense that George Steinbrenner bought this past winter. "I thought I had a chance at pitching another Perfect Game this past Sunday, but these guys apparently can't field either," he added.

Yankees’ batting coach Rick Down had no comment regarding the pitchers' trade demand. "What are those guys' names?" he asked. "What's their job, again?"

With the exception of Roger Clemens, who is only interested in his 300th win, 4,000th strikeout, and 7th Cy Young Award, the pitchers' decision lies just as much in their assertion that they don't get sufficient run support as anything else.

"We work our butts off for over seven months a year, and we give our team a great chance to win every game. We can't shut down the other team entirely every time out. If we hold the other team to two or three runs, the hitters should provide enough scoring for us to win the game," said Mussina.

"Tengo cinquenticuatro años," added El Duqué.

Derek Jeter was dismayed and disappointed when he heard the news. "I've only averaged 118 strikeouts a year in my career. I always come through in the clutch. This is a total shock to me. I was in my hotel room with a few [female friends] when I first heard of their trade demands. I think it's ridiculous. How am I ever going to win another Championship Ring if we don't have good pitchers who can make one run stand in every post-season game?"

Upon arriving at the Stadium, Jason Giambi had not heard of this recent news. "What the bleep do you mean, all the pitchers are getting traded? That's the most disloyal thing I've ever heard! I would never ditch my team just because we weren't playing well." When questioned about his recent advertisement for the YES Network that reads, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! - Jason Giambi," the Yankees' $120 million first baseman replied, "That's bull. I just came here for the money."

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