The Horror Heroine

With advanced special effects and higher budgets, horror films are getting more and more sophisticated, as filmmakers continue to find bigger and better ways of grossing us out. But there is one aspect of the horror genre that doesn't seem to have evloved -- its heroines. Pointless creatures who apparently have no point but to scream and run around mindlessly , horror heroines have remained pretty much the same throughout the years.

From the old Vincent Price horror fests to modern fare like Scream and the recently released What Lies Beneath, the women of scary movies seem to have a few core qualities in common. I have compiled a handy list of three traits shared by these ladies. I'm not sure what the purpose of this list is. Perhaps you can consult it while watching a horror film, to see whether my description fits. Or you can read it instead of wasting your time renting yet another slasher flick. It's up to you. And now without further ado... 1. Horror women scream. A lot. And sometimes with no other reason than the that the script requires them to. The best example of this I can think of is in the original House on Haunted Hill, with Vincent Price (I refuse to see the remake, but that's another issue entirely). The movie contains one female character who screams in nearly every scene. The creepy looking caretaker shows up, and she screams. There's a sudden noise, she screams. After awhile, you marvel that she doesn't go hoarse. My question is, how come the women always scream, but the men are allowed to merely gasp and mutter "My god!" How come the men get to keep their dignity and the women must go shireking like coyotes? Unfair.

2. Horror women never see it coming. We know the monster is outside the door. We know the husband/boyfriend/uncle/cousin/random stranger is up to know good. We that if she turns her back, someone is going to jump out and attack her. But the doomed woman never knows. The classic example is of course "Jaws," when the perky beach bunny decides to go skinny dipping in the shark-infested waters. We know she'll get eaten. But, alas, the poor dumb thing does it anyway. Of course, in all fairness to her, it's true that we can hear the creepy soundtrack and she can't. But that's no excuse.

3. Physically, horror women are either very blond, or very buxom. I don't know why. Perhaps it makes them seem or vulnerable. Or maybe the filmmakers are trying to lure male viewers. For whatever reason, these women are either candidates for back surgery or likely to blind anyone who looks too closely at their head. For example, the star of I Know What You Did Last Summer is Jennifer Love Hewitt, a woman so pneumatic, there are those who still don't know what her face looks like. And Hitchcock loved terroizing blonds on screen -- Tippi Hedren, Grace Kelly, Janet Leigh, just to name a few. The Scream films are a prime example of this, featuring both the blond and the bodacious.

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