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Is Skeleton Woman Interfering With Your Marriage?

© Geraldine Wagner

You prayed and wished for your spouse (we'll say it's the male who is in AA or NA) to get sober, get clean. Your lives would be perfect...you wouldn't be sitting in the living room, waiting for him night after night. But instead, he's out every night with his AA buddies, going to meetings, getting on committees, talking with his sponsor over endless cups of coffee while you cool your heels, watching another episode of "Wheel of Fortune!"

Yes, it is a very typical thing in recovery...I think there's even a reading about it in the ODAT. Try to turn the worry into wonder...I wonder how long he's going to keep this pace going? Most folks eventually even out their involvement in the program after immersing themselves. AA tends to require that involvement more than Al Anon, but if you are attending f2f meetings, you too can get involved in service. Of course, if there are children involved, you probably don't want both of you traipsing about, abandoning them. So the slogans to remember are "Easy Does It" and "This Too Shall Pass."

I think it's admirable if he is working on his recovery so earnestly (although I recall thinking...admirable? It's about bloody time...etc. etc.), yet it was rude for him to break a date with me to do something that came along program-related and apparently after the fact. To keep from resenting him over these types of situations, you might consider having Plan B's and no expectations that he going to do this and that with you.

I remember getting all excited on Fridays, thinking it was the beginning of the weekend and we could do this and that...he'd come home miserable and with no structure in our Sat. and Sun., we'd end up fighting with one another. The whole weekend would end up a disaster and by Sunday night, I couldn't wait to get away from him.

I discovered we both needed structure early in recovery. The meetings do give that. For a time, my husband and I went to at least one meeting together--well, we rode together--he went to AA, I to Al Anon. Afterward, we would often end up in the same coffee shop, but sitting with different people!

Right now, you don't need the pressure on yourself of worrying whether your relationship will survive all this and he doesn't need it, either. It's early recovery for both of you. There can be some very touchy moments...and frankly, many relationships don't survive.

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