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Women Need Friendship for Recovery

© Geraldine Wagner

Recent research indicates that women's focus on relationships is natural and necessary rather than dependency or lack of self definition. Females seek a balance between self-nurture and the care of others, not separation and autonomy. This balance fosters heightened awareness and appreciation of self.

This so-called relational theory of development has implications for women's recovery because women cannot fit into the typical recovery model. For example, says Eileen P. Beyer, Psy. D., C.A.C., many women may still be given the recommendation to do 90 meetings in 90 days with little regard for the impact of the competing forces within them not to sacrifice their relationships in order to fulfill recovery, or other types of commitments.

We often view these kind of women as codependent, says Beyer, when what they really are is normal women, or at least, living within the realm of normal for women.

The relational model of addiction treatment recognizes that the effects of traditionally male-oriented recovery programs on women have been ignored or minimalized.

Too, understanding the impact of a relationship history has significant implications on a woman's addictive behavior. Many women use substances to numb painful feelings, thoughts and memories or to cope with problems or relationships over which they feel little control.

Imbalances of power or responsibilities can significantly cause heavier use or relapse.

Recovering women need to develop healthy connections: friendships for self protection. Hers is a collaborative healing process between the recovering woman and her support people. They create a strong sense of self.

Women are taught to blame other females, especially their mothers, for the problems. They idealize their male relationships. Who did you get along with better, your mother or your father? Most often it was Dad, even though he was the alcoholic or addict in the family!

Women who don't like other women, or who don't trust them, says Beyer, risk obstacles to treatment and recovery.

But even if a woman hasn't had the availability of other women in her own recovery, she can cultivate those friendships now, for herself, and for other women new in recovery.

It is important, says Beyer, that recovering women mentor more newly recovering women in a collaborative, friendly, healthy relationship.

It is not necessary for our programs to be "selfish" programs. Enlightened self-interest might be a better term. Self-interest and interest in our sisters in recovery.

For more info on the relational model see: http://www.wellesley.edu/WCW.

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