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Hiding Behind The Family Coat of Arms

© Geraldine Wagner

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.

How many of us have had a few drinks to drown our troubles, to loosen up, to obtain what is often called an "attitude adjustment?"

I always laugh to myself when I see a bar or restaurant calling a heavy drinking time "Happy Hour," or "Attitude Adjustment Hour."

Happy Hour?

Well, for an addicted person, maybe it was a happy hour. Once. A long time ago.

We drank to get happy and somehow, somewhere down the road, we discovered that we were unhappy.

Still unhappy.

And our unhappiness with the way we were, who we were, where we were, was compounded by the confused thinking, the headaches, and the screw ups that our drinking caused.

It was a snowball effect. Our drinking becomes something that only points up more stringently that there is something wrong with US.

And is it our fault?

Well, maybe the only thing the drinking does for us is cause the fuzzy thinking that allows us to hide behind the "family coat of arms," or the "company coat of arms." Pointing the finger at someone else, something else, that caused the problem, caused the failure, caused the mistake.

And so we can feel momentarily better as we wallow in our self pity.

A good co-dependent should be standing in the wings at this point. One who believes that we are totally misunderstood people, that we were born under a bad sign, that with a little love and understanding we'll straighten around. That person can reinforce the reasons why we drink, the reasons why we HAVE to drink. They will actually help us keep up the charade much longer than is healthy for us.

Co-dependents who have a genuine desire to make the addict happy are actually doing the opposite: helping us to continue in our unhappiness.

They don't realize that satisfying an addict is a bottomless pit. A hollow leg. It can never be completely filled.

The addict knows every air pocket and empty space and using the coat of arms technique, can always point at least one finger at the co-dependent. In fact, the addict need often go no further. A good co-dependent will take all the blame for everything that happens. He or she will feel totally responsible. Pretty soon, the addict can even stop pointing the finger. It will be a given that the addict's problem is---the co-dependent!

Little does the addict know, this is partly true.

The co-dependent must learn to not be responsible for the addict's troubles. Until the co-dependent does that, the addict will continue using the coat of arms technique to shirk responsibility, wallow in self-pity and continue the self-destructive behavior that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.