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Marriage Shock

© Cristy Wright

Recently I was engaged in a lengthy telephone conversation with an old college friend, catching up on life and changing philosophies. We weren’t reminiscing, although we have a mountain of mutual history between us, but discussing marriage and parenthood, and how the titles of “wife” and “mother” seem to take on lives of their own, outside our own awareness or even consent, until we’re consumed with them and struggling to remember our own ambitions, needs and identity.

Delma Heyn, psychotherapist, not only noticed this phenomenon, she wrote a book about it. Titled “Marriage Shock: The transformation from Woman into American Wife”, Heyn attempts to document what she sees as a detrimental psychological and emotional shift that women undergo post-honeymoon. In a nutshell, previously independent and vivacious women slowly modify their behavior, appearance and values to what they perceive as those of a Proper Wife. This gradual suppression of individuality occurs subtly and generally unbeknownst to either spouse, until both are wondering what happened to the feisty sexy women they both fell in love with.

Heyn begins with an effective scenario, which I have taken the liberty of adapting and paraphrasing:

Year one: Dating couple attends his company Christmas party. She dons her favorite short skirt, consumes food and drink with abandon and dances the night away with a variety of her significant other’s co-workers because he doesn’t dance.

Year two: Engaged couple attends same function. She wears pants, limits herself to a few drinks and dances intermittently, pausing often to check-in with her fiancé.

Year three: The newlywed bride chooses a conservative business suit, carries a single drink the entire evening and stays firmly rooted by her husband’s side, careful to smile congenially at husband’s boss. He’s in line for a promotion so it’s important to present the right image.

Does any of this sound familiar??? Okay then, read on.

Heyn seeks the source of this misnomer, what delineates a Good Wife, and comes up with only semi-satisfactory responses. She acknowledges the June Cleaver and Donna Reed images, but concludes that this stereotype is hardly applicable in contemporary marriages. After all, women today have grown up with Roseanne, Grace Under Fire, and Sisters, right? We know we are not relegated to the roles of housekeeper, cook, nanny, escort and concubine. So where are these messages coming from?

Basic gender programming. Pink dresses, hair bows and dolls for girls, and trucks, airplanes and dinosaurs for boys. The most common inquiry regarding a newborn is its sex, even before the state of his/her health. From the time it enters our confusing world, a child is given overt and covert messages about appropriate behavior; what clothing to wear, toys to play with, who to befriend, to love. Their identity development requires that they come to terms with all aspects of themselves; hair and eye color, ethnicity and race, disability, and sex.