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Dynamics of Verbal Abuse

© Teresa Brouwer

A lot of people don't know the Dynamics of Verbal Abuse or how to recognize it. In the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, Evans explains the difference between Power Over and Personal Power.

Here is a brief explanation of the key ideas in the book.

Power Over is about control and dominating the other person. The abuser will manipulate and blame the other person for his wrong doing. As a result, the victim will eventually tolerate the abuse and lose one's self-esteem.

Personal Power is when a couple is mutually supportive and empathetic towards each other. It is when a person is connected with their own feelings and is able to recognize the Power Over abuse. When a couple both have Personal Power they have a healthy relationship.

Let's take two characters named Jeff and Debbie:

Debbie is absorbed in a book when Jeff comes into the bedroom and jumps on the bed and says, "I guess you don't care that I worked all day?" (he is in Power Over and now feels that he is in control.) Debbie puts her book down on her lap and says, "Why do you think that?" (she responds as if what Jeff had said was valid.) She thinks that Jeff had the right to ask that question the way he did.

Jeff answers Debbie with a loud, firm tone and says, "I am hungry and I thought that maybe you would have started dinner by now." Now Debbie feels that she must apologize and responds, "I am sorry, you're right, but I was busy too today." Jeff feels that he has won and has acted out the Power Over Model. Debbie fell into the Power Over by asking "why?"

If Debbie was in tune with her feelings (Personal Power) she would have said, "Stop it." or she may have said, "That remark was uncalled for." She wouldn't have accepted his manipulation and would have been in touch with her feelings and recognized his verbal attack.

If Jeff was familiar with Personal Power he would have said, "I know you were busy today, but when do you think dinner will be ready?" (Personal Power) He acknowledged her feelings and still was able to ask what he wanted in a more sympathetic way.

Verbal abuse is about name calling, but it is also how a "person speaks to you and their tone of voice." This kind of abuse shows no visible scars. The scars are hidden through low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

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