Flying Felon Fish

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted the article on the pyro bears, and later the one on the attack fleas? Remember I said that these stories were just the beginning of a horrible trend in criminal wildlife activity? I was right – it’s happened again!

This story comes from The Associated Press, via CNN’s website and if you can’t believe those two respected journalism outlets, who can you believe? Anyway, it seems that this employee at a Richmond, VA car dealership was minding his own business, helping customers, when he heard a loud crash about 50 feet away. When he went over to investigate, he discovered that the windshield of a pickup had been smashed. At first he thought maybe someone had thrown a rock but was very surprised to find a two pound shad (that’s a fish for you non-fisherpersons) in the truck. Experts think a bald eagle dropped the fish and no charges have been filed. No word on whether or not the employee took the rest of the day off either.

At first glance, this sounds like a simple slip of the beak but I disagree. Maybe this whole thing was really an attempt on the life of that car dealership employee, who we shall call Bubba, to protect his privacy. Maybe Bubba is an avid hunter and fisherman on the weekends and he bagged a member of the wrong family. Picture if you will the fish equivalent of Tony Soprano on HBO’s “The Sopranos”. Bubba caught Cousin Tommy and Tony wants revenge so he enlists one of his men (fish?) to put a hit on Bubba. They have to make it look innocent, so Tony gets one of his fish who he was going to rub out anyway to go on a suicide mission. The plan? The hit fish will be dropped like a skydiver and will land on Bubba’s head and the police will shrug their shoulders and blame it on an eagle. The only problem is that the hit fish was incredibly nearsighted and missed his target. While quite disappointed, Tony figured that at least one of his problems had been dealt with.

Another theory is that the shad had inside information on, say, a huge black market caviar smuggling ring and the eagle was really a wildlife cop. The eagle and another one were playing good wildlife cop/bad wildlife cop. The bad wildlife cop was trying to scare the shad into confessing everything and fingering the head of the smuggling ring by threatening to drop him from a few thousand feet up in the air. (Oh come on, that’s been done in at least one Stallone/Schwarzenegger/VanDamme movie.) Unfortunately the shad wiggled just a bit too much and slipped out of the bad wildlife cop’s grip. Whoopsie.

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