Ferocious Flea Felons

The brave men and women who protect us as police officers have dangerous jobs. They deal with criminals, high speed chases and surly people who are caught speeding on a daily basis. If you watch “Cops” long enough, you’re bound to see some bad guy unleash dogs on them. Now our brave people in blue have a new animal threat to contend with, one that’s more insidious than even a pit bull. Now they have to contend with…fleas.

According to the Associated Press, courtesy of CNN’s website, police officers in Granite City, Illinois recently went to a house to arrest the occupant on assorted charges. The fleas were hiding in the yard and when the officers attempted to approach the house, the fleas went on the offensive. They mercilessly attacked the officers, but they didn’t stop there. They invaded the squad cars and even managed an assault on the local headquarters. Several squad cars had to be temporarily taken out of service so they could be flea bombed. The article didn’t say who did the bombing, but I’m fairly sure the local bomb squad was not involved (“umm, that’s not the kind of bombing we usually handle.”) Of course, it’s hard to handcuff fleas and they don’t hold still for mug shots so their penalty for assaulting officers was a visit from a local exterminator. No word yet on whether or not they were read their Miranda rights or provided court appointed attorneys before their date with the Terminex man.

I’m worried that this will be the start of a disturbing new trend in criminal activity. There are so many copycat criminals out there and somebody’s bound to say, “Hey, there’s an idea! They can see and hear dogs, but fleas are really stealthy and cheap.” Breeders could pop up everywhere, dealing to an exclusive bad guy clientele. (Picture a shady looking character in a dark alley, wearing a trench coat) “Hey pal, are the narcs breathing down your neck? I got fleas.” Will the DEA be forced to issue Hartz 2 in 1 collars to their agents? Will trips to the pharmacy for calamine lotion replace doughnut runs?

And what about other critters from the insect kingdom? If you’ve ever had a run-in with red ants, you know those little buggers can be nasty (black ones aren’t much better – see my article called “Ants Attack”). They’re smart; they could be trained to become attack ants, provided that the queen gets a “piece of the action”. I can see it now…the “Godfather” theme swells as a few assorted bad guys quietly walk up to the anthill. A soldier ant, like Sylvester Stallone’s character in “Antz” stops them.

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