The Irreconcilable Differences Between Star Wars and Gabby Hayes

There's nothing I hate more than people labelling Star Wars a "western in space." Yes, the good guys prefer white robes and the bad guy wears a black helmet. Yes, good and evil collide in battles which appear to be about little more than which team is better, and I admit that R2-D2 and C-3PO share more than a few personality traits with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. However, let me state for all posterity that the preceding coincidences do NOT a western make.

To begin, let us study Lucas' most charismatic character, Han Solo. Han does his best to play the wandering soul/mercenary- with-a-heart but he wouldn't cut mustard in the great state of Texas. Contrary to the subliminal efforts of his name, Han Solo simply cannot operate on his own. If Clint Eastwood had a Wookie he would have filled coffins faster than you can say Hmmmaaauughhhhhh (that's Wookie for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches).

Princess Leia Organa completely violates the damsel in distress code of ethics and doesn't even have the good sense to be a roadblock in the path of our male hero. Speaking of which, never, ever in a western would someone as wussy and effeminate as Luke Skywalker ever amount to anything more than a stain on a saloon floor. Just look at what happened to Leonardo DiCaprio in the Quick and the Dead: no matter how good you think you are, smart-ass pretty boys eat lead before our story is said and done.

Most importantly, there's the matter of the Death Star. The wild west bad-guy does not build things, he steals them. He burns them down. He rapes their owner and starts a disfunctional family he can call his own. There's nothing wrong with the concept of wanting the biggest gun, just let somebody else do all the work.

I'm reminded of Winchester '73, in which Jimmy Stewart finds himself in possession of the finest rifle ever made. The bad guy steals it, then loses it in a card game. The gun turns up again later on, but the point is already made: when there's a grocery store around the corner you don't need a chicken, you need loose change. You can be a bad-guy with a sling-shot, so long as you're the fastest slinger in the land. The concept of a Death Star nuking doesn't make sense in frontier-country. You've got to kill slowly, bit by bit. Jesse James understands why M&M's are M&M's and not some big ball of chocolate with a candy-coating shell. If Darth Vader was a real western villain he would have found the biggest and best rebel alliance in the galaxy and played five-card stud for all the artillery he could fit in the trunk of his destroyer. After a couple of nights hiding out in Endor with the loot, he comes back and kills everyone. Problem solved, on to the next planet.

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