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Home Rules: The Cycle of Abuse

© Harvey D. Grund

Consider the many variables that mold us and, in some respects, seal our fate: genetics; physiology; the rules of the society (which includes the home) in which we were raised; the behavior of parents, grandparents, siblings. aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, acquaintances and strangers who cross our paths in that society; the heros and anti-heros in the books we read as children; the movies we watched; the games we played and the television shows we viewed and now, in the last decade, a new influence has entered all of our lives, the Internet -- the ultimate weapon, which can, like any weapon, be used for good or bad. Is it any wonder, considering all of these variables in each of our lives, considering our individual points of reference, that we are constantly surprised by the behaviors we see in others?

Children, in what most would consider to be a stable home environment, act out, many times, without considering, appreciating or, perhaps, even understanding the consequences of their behavior. Then, at some point in their lives, they began to understand that there is a definite connection between how they behave (following the rules) and how the adults in their lives behave toward them. They don't always understand why, but they come to understand the "home rules:" good behavior sometimes brings rewards and bad behavior always brings some form of punishment. Because of the strong survival instincts we were all born with, they also learn to not repeat bad behavior (or to at least stop bad behavior when there is a good chance of getting caught). In one way or another, these children develop self-control when it came to "breaking the rules" but they each emerge from a unique childhood and they each carry with them a slightly different set of rules.

In many (perhaps most) cases, the people we correctly label abusers are (in their minds) simply applying the lessons they learned as children in abusive environments. In their homes, it might have been commonplace to see mommy and daddy fighting with words, fists, frying pans or anything else; it might have been normal to get slapped, spanked, punched or worse, just for being in the room, whether their behavior was good or bad. These children came to understand a different set of "home rules:" the most powerful rule over the others with an iron fist and sometimes its not safe to be seen or heard.