Dating the Vietnamese Way

The Vietnamese women were taught from very young to be submissive; they practice the three rules of obedience (to the father, to the husband and to the first son) and the four virtues (the need to be laborious, to be physically attractive, to speak nicely and wisely and to practice virtues.) .

As a result, they were conditioned to be very non assertive. They were raised to be a good wife and a good mother.

Extremely rare would be those Vietnamese women who elope or who would have a relationship with members of the opposite sex prior to their marriage. The notion of dating is practically non- existent in Vietnam.

"Nam nu tho tho bat than " (Males and females cannot be seen physically close together)

In fact, not very long ago the customs of arranged marriages were still practiced in some parts of Vietnam, especially in the rural areas. Parents had a lot of control and influence over the children. Through the use of proverbs and sayings, Vietnamese parents decided many things for their children, career, life partners etc....

Such proverbs as " Co^ng cha nhu+ nu'i Tha'i So+n Nghi~a me. nhu? nu+o+'c trong nguo^`n cha?y ra"

" The efforts of the father to raise the children are equal to the Thai Son mountains Those of the mother are immeasurable, like the water flowing from a source"

are powerful controlling and restricting factors which set numerous boundaries and limits on the Vietnamese women.

I remember the poignant story of a young couple very much in love with each other. The Vietnamese young woman could not do anything except wait. The young man, at first too timid, did not mention anything to his parents. When he finally got up his courage to ask his parents to approach her family through the use of an intermediary, it was regrettably too late. He found out that the young lady 's parents had already promised her to someone else. She was naturally despondent and the laments she made to him were tearful:

" Ba ddo^`ng mo^.t mie^'ng tra^`u cay Sao anh kho^ng ho?i nhu+~ng nga`y co`n kho^ng? Ba^y gio+` em dd~a co' cho^`ng Nhu+ chim va`o lo^`ng nhu+ ca' ca('n ca+u Ca' ca('n ca^u bie^'t dda^u ma` go+~ Chim va`o lo^`ng bie^'t thuo+? na`o ra?

Loosely translated as

Only three coins were needed to get the betel nut (to initiate the ceremony to ask for my hand)

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