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Specific Abuser Tactics: Accusing

© Laura Wilkinson

Most abusers have a favorite tactic, one that they use consistently. This seems to be one that I hear a lot of: the accusation. Have you ever had to "convince" your partner that you have not been having an affair with someone, or that when you go to your mom's that you are REALLY going to your mom's, and not meeting an old boyfriend?

These accusations seem ridiculous to us. A simple trip to the grocery store becomes an ordeal. Here is a personal example from my own experience and every word of it true: When we first got together I shopped at the same grocery store all the time, saw the same faces, said hello to the same people all the time. There was one bag-boy who always spoke to me in particular, and one day he asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I just told him "my husband probably wouldn't like that," and that was the end of it. I still shopped there, and he still spoke to me. We moved away for several years, and when we moved back, I began shopping at the same store. Well, the "bagboy" was now an assistant manager. I went home and said, "Guess who's moving up in the world!" My (ex)husband said, "Who?" so I told him the story of the bagboy who had asked me out. Bad move. From that moment on, I could not go to the store without being accused of sneaking into the stockroom for a quickie! And there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to convince him of how ridiculous that was. I would take the kids with me, and be accused of leaving them with a friend on the way and telling them to lie for me!

If this or something similar has happened to you, then you know what I am talking about. Things that to you and I are simply everyday, ordinary things become ordeals to be explained, explained, and explained yet again. And we sit there, dumbfounded, wondering where in the world did he come up with that?! Fortunately, Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, gives us some ideas on how to respond to these insane accusations.

When your spouse accuses of you of something, our first HUMAN response is to deny it. Denying only serves to "prove him right," at least in his mind. So, what you must do is this: DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the accusation. Just calmly tell him "I don't have to listen to this." Calmly is the key! Don't deny or confirm one way or the other - just tell him you do not have to listen to it. I can tell you, it's hard not to automatically say, "No, I'm not having an affair." All that does is give him fuel for the argument; he says yes you are and you say no I'm not.. and so it goes. It doesn't matter whether you are or aren't; that's not why he says it. He says it because it provokes you and gives him a response from you! It's all about controlling you and getting you in a tizzy.

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