Specific Abuser Tactics: Diverting

First of all, let me say that every single bit of information that you will read here is from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have repeatedly mentioned this book and highly recommend that you read it. It is THE book that "set me free" above all else. Credit must be given to Mrs. Evans, because it was her words that turned on MY lightbulb. I hope she does the same for you.

The behavior that my own ex was especially skillful at is called "diverting," or "blocking." This is the one where you ask what you consider a simple, forthright question, and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a verbal battle and ON THE DEFENSIVE. For example, one evening I had scheduled a group study at the home of a friend, so I reminded him in the morning not to be late, since I could not take the kids with me. Of course, he didn't get home until after midnight. So when he walked in, I asked him "Why did you not come home? I told you I was supposed to go over to Mary's house" etc. Instead of answering my question with "I had to work" or even "I didn't feel like coming home" he started telling me about how I didn't trust him to have a few beers with the guys, why did I always give him the third degree, that I always got to go and do what I wanted... and here I am, denying all of it, saying "oh no, honey I didn't mean it that way; I only meant that we had a study group tonight and I thought I told you this morning." Etc etc ad nauseum.

You see? He was clearly responsible for me not making it to the study group, and yet I found myself feeling guilty for even considering going, and explaining (yet again) what I really meant by the question! This is a typical abuser tactic; DIVERT attention away from himself, from the real issue, BLOCK the fact that it is absolutely, without a doubt, HIS FAULT. He has successfully redirected your attention away from the fact that he was wrong, and put you on the defensive.

So what do you do? It's very simple, really. But so very hard. You just wait until he's done ranting, then look at him and calmly, clearly ask the question again! "Why did you not come home like I asked you to?" He will of course continue to go on and on, but wait - then ask it again. DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your question, don't tell him why you are asking it, don't even rephrase it (sometimes we wonder if maybe he didn't understand the question - believe me, he did). Just calmly, firmly repeat your question until he either answers it or he tells you he's not going to answer it (that is not diverting - you have an answer, even if it's not the one you wanted). Of course, you may have to just give it up, knowing that he doesn't want to answer, but at least you have not fallen into the trap that he has set for you, where you are denying that you don't trust him, that you "just wanted to go over to Mary's." You are not explaining yourself, trying to make him understand you. It takes practice, but it's very much worth the effort, the concentration.

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