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Control: Hindsight is 20/20 - Page 2

© My friend, J. Gorman

....and then, no matter what outrageous s*** he would pull every few months or so I bent over backwards to forgive, make peace or whatever else was necessary to get the fake bliss back.

If the only way to keep the peace is to keep our mouths shut, eventually, we lose our voices and shrink altogether. This is how strong, capable women become "controlled." That inner voice is our instincts telling us often that something is not quite right, even if we can't put our finger on it.

I remember the day I dedicated myself to golf. It had been a huge source of strain in our relationship (btw--a great cover for affairs...can always claim they hit 18 holes---about 6 hours of time easily accounted for). My twins were not quite a YEAR. I was still nursing. My son was THREE.

He took time off work and surprised me by showing up at my lesson and paying for it. He NEVER took time off work just to be with me! I felt so special. I finally had his attention. He had for some time had feeble excuses for not playing tennis with me (my favorite sport---we used to play together---this was very hurtful to me---I thought he could hit with me occaisionally, considering the amount of time I spent on golf).

I remember seeing him...his demeanor, smooth, important...the supportive husband coming to look after the little wife.....thinking that he was proud of me for taking golf lessons. There would finally be cooperation, maybe a savings plan!!! I had an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude. I read books, watched the golf channel every day etc... Tried to get US Open tickets, researched golf school........... I had very little free time, yet I took two lessons a WEEK!

Now that I look back, I am certain, that what I mistook for pride was actually smug arrogance. He was supportive because he had WON!!!

I remember having a very hard cry not too much later during a golf lesson because I felt that I was the one doing all the changing, making all the sacrifices. I am ashamed of the number of times we took my three little kids to the range, even at night, chill in the air, so that he could practice. I fed the twins out of a baby food jar, cold and all at the range. Mostly, we just watched him show off!! No one else had tiny babies out there in a double stroller. At least we were together and I knew where he was...and had his attention....kind of...... How sad!!!

We did not play tennis anymore (my sport). I didn't ask anymore. He played golf whenever he wanted (OFTEN). He used

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