Control: Hindsight is 20/20

Hi All,

I wanted to wait until someone responded to Tracey, so that I could see if I was the only one that was a little concerned.

I just put my house on the market and have been cleaning house. I stumbled on some old journals. They were incomplete, but in all of them, dating back to 6 months after I got married, 12 years ago, I was extremely unhappy. I am amazed that I spoke of disrespect, mistreatment etc... even THEN. There were some extenuating circumstances...I had a chronic illness and had been in a deep depression. I realize now, that it did not matter, my personal maladies. I had a right to be treated with respect.

To make it short. I tried all the way back then to be positive, not complain etc... when I look back, MOST of what I complained about were reasonable adult requests. I started choking down my anger, disappointment and resentment to the point that I was relatively happy. I learned how to smile no matter what and it became a habit. Unfortunately, I think this false life keep me in a low simmering depression and anxiety for a long time. It also stole my self esteem.

But that's not the worst part.

What I realize now is that I was being controlled. In essence, he still did EXACTLY what he wanted to a criminal degree...throwing me a few bones every now and then. I was so needy of attention, cooperation etc, that any effort on his part felt huge....when it was actually not even close to the minimum one would expect in a marital relationship. In essence, he got rewarded for poor behavior and minimal effort. He acted better because he totally got his way.

I had not made any progress. He just got to have his women, his golf, his fancy clothes etc WITHOUT me making a stink about it....which gave him LICENSE to push the envelope further.....and me to shrink more. (Eventually, he had enough rope to hang himself).