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Just Say No

© Laura Wilkinson

It's in our nature as humans - and I think as women we get a double dose - to want to "take care" of people. There's nothing wrong with it. It shows our loved ones we love them. They know they can count on us to make dinner, do the laundry, and kiss the boo-boo's. They KNOW they can count on us for that. Call it maternal instinct if you want to; whatever you call it, it's a good thing - as long as you know where to draw the line.

I am as guilty as the next person of being a caretaker, even today. The difference is that I've learned that it's okay to say no. I didn't used to know that. I used to drop whatever I was doing to go do something else if someone asked me to - especially my ex. I was always trying to find the one thing that would make it all better. It got to the point where I had no time to myself to "decompress." I can't tell you the times I put off going to the library (my personal hideaway) to pick up the pieces of some mess that my ex had created. And no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't good enough.

You see, an abuser takes advantage of your (good) instincts by slowly slowly allowing you to absorb the responsibility of every detail of your family's life; suddenly you find yourself the only one doing ANYthing. And then he attacks your self-esteem by telling you what a lousy job you're doing. No matter what a great job you know you did, he picks it apart and takes the fun out of it. But the BIG thing is this: he knows very well that you will step in, charge to the rescue.. take over and take care! All he has to do is sit back and let it get close to disaster, and ZZOOOOMM there you are, saving the day. My mother called me a doormat; I said I was just "taking care" of them. There's nothing wrong with it.. or is there?

Think of what you do in a day: you get the kids up and off to school or daycare, you get HIM up and off to work, you either go to an outside job yourself or maybe you're a SAHM (my personal dream). If you stay home, you have the laundry to do, the dog to feed, the dishes to wash, the vacuuming and dusting to do, the groceries to buy, the dinner to make. If you work outside the home, you have to do all that anyway, just cram it into fewer hours AFTER work. Then, HE comes home and does nothing but criticize you. He finds the ONE thing you didn't get marked off the "to do" list and just SLAMS you with it! Or he'll decide he didn't want spaghetti for dinner, he wanted steaks AND YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT, damn it.

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