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To the families and friends of abuse victims

© Laura Wilkinson

When a friend or loved one is in the midst of an abusive relationship, we want to take them away from it. It's human nature to want to PROTECT. But in this situation, as hard as it may be, we have to stand back and wait patiently.

I know as well as the next person how frustrating it is to have to stand by helplessly while a loved one is being abused. Someone in my own family is in an abusive relationship, as is a very dear friend. Even knowing my own experience, they don't see what's going on. All I can do, and all YOU can do, is offer love, support, and encouragement, along with a shoulder to cry on. That's the frustrating part. All you can do is wait until she calls on you.

I also suggest that you gain as much knowledge as you possibly can about the subject of abuse. Get facts and figures, numbers, books of reference, read newspaper articles. Have the information ready and at hand when she asks, "What is happening to me?"

One of the things you cannot do is drag her away from him, even though you know she would be better off without him. An abuse victim must make the decision to leave on her own. No amount of begging, pleading, or coercing on your part will make her see the mess she is in. She may know that "something isn't right," but until she has what I call her "lightbulb moment" there is nothing anyone can do. Her lightbulb moment will come at the most unexpected time. It is that instant, that single moment in time, where she suddenly says to herself, "I do not want to do this any more," and the light comes on. For me, it was when he called me the foulest name of all right in front of our children; for a friend of mine, it was when he very calmly, over breakfast, made the remark, "You just need a good beating to straighten you out." For each of us it is different.

You, as the friend or family member, must be ready to spring into action RIGHT THEN. You can tell her ahead of time that you will be ready when she is ready, to go get her, to call the police for her or to give her a place to sleep. Set up a code word or phrase with her; mine was the simple statement made "casually" over the phone, "you know, that stupid dog next door barked all night." It was the code to "come get me RIGHT NOW." You, as her friend, must be ready to give 100% at that time, without question or hesitation.

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