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The Book that Set Me Freeeee!!!

© Laura Wilkinson

The name of this wonderful book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship and the author's name is Patricia Evans. Click on her name to go to her site for her bio, but I can tell you that whatever it says is not enough. This woman is as close to being my guiding angel as anyone I know, and I can only hope that one day I will be able to give her a hug and thank her for her freeing words. In lieu of that, I can share her words with you, in hopes that you too will learn from them, as I did.

It's hard to decide where to start. There are so many things in the book that are directly applicable to Verbal Abuse that it's spooky. In fact, as I was reading it I said to myself (and have said to others since) "She must have been looking in my windows while she wrote this!" It's that accurate. I challenge you to read it and you'll say the same thing.

The main point of her book is to show the victim how to recognize abuse for what it is and how to respond to it in a new way to break the cycle. For example, when he comes in and says "you've done nothing all day, I can tell," what is your first response? "YES I HAVE" then you proceed to list exactly what you did do. And it all falls on deaf ears. Mrs. Evans would say the new response would be, "I don't have to listen to this." Period. Don't argue, don't deny, don't confirm. Just that, "I don't have to listen to this," the end. Okay so it doesn't answer his question. HE DOESN'T WANT AN ANSWER - HE WANTS A FIGHT. That's part of what she calls Reality I and Reality II. In r-two, the victim thinks on a rational level, in a world where there are rational questions and rational answers. In r-one, the abuser couldn't care less about that. He just wants to make his accusation and then bring an end to the conversation. When you respond by trying to explain, in his mind he has won the round. So she wants to show the victim a new and improved way of responding that will NOT allow him to win the round.

This "Reality I and Reality II" business is fascinating. These are two distinct ways of viewing the world. Abuse victims live in r-two, which is really a good place, although it might be construed as a dream world. In this reality, communication is a two-way street, and people actually discuss things in a grownup fashion, rather than talking AT each other and demanding complete compliance without question. In a truly healthy relationship, this reality is the real world. In the abusive relationship, it is only a dream.