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The Truth about Threats

© Laura Wilkinson

Verbal abusers use the power of threats to control their victims. I know. My ex used to threaten me daily with a vast variety of "you'd better... or I'll... " He had his favorites. He would threaten to leave, and take the kids with him. He would threaten to "fix" my car, so I couldn't go anywhere. He would threaten to burn my clothes, again to prevent me leaving. He would tell me he was going to rip the telephone out if I talked to certain people on the phone. When I finally decided to go back to school, he threatened to burn my books and homework. I'm sure you are also experiencing some of these, or variations on them.

The thing about threats is this: they are JUST THREATS. Think of every movie you've ever seen that has some kind of bully in it. Now think of the "good guy" who ends up standing up to the bully. What happens? THE BULLY GIVES IN. The typical abuser is just a scared little boy in a man's body. Generally speaking, if you call his bluff, he won't do much of what he's been threatening to do all this time. He may create a new threat, but once the old threats lose their "oomph" he goes on to a new one. Note: This applies to probably 98 out of 100 abusers. There are always exceptions, but if you are living with one of them, by now you already know he will follow through with his threats, and you should get to safety as soon as possible, because the verbal abuse will escalate to physical abuse very quickly.

For example: my ex told me that he didn't want me to have this one certain friend. He said she was the reason our marriage was in such a mess. Our friendship was based on our two daughters being in the same Girl Scout troop (of which I was the leader). He told me that if he found out I'd been talking to her, he'd "fix" my car so it wouldn't start. So for several weeks, I avoided her, making excuses as to why I couldn't go have coffee with her, etc. For that time, our marriage was very "honeymoon," all because he had once again gotten his way. Finally, I decided that there was simply no reason for me NOT to have this friend, since she really had no influence on me one way or the other, so I began seeing her again. He found out, and again mentioned "fixing" the car. I told him, "Go ahead. I'll walk or take the bus, or I'll get YOUR FRIEND (who was a mechanic) to help me fix it."

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