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Step Parenting an Out of Control Teen

© Jean Hamman

This week I'd like to talk a little bit about step parenting an out of control child. This is often a sticky situation. Sometimes a step parent doesn't know whether it's okay to step in to handle a problem moment. Sometimes the step parent doesn't believe he/she should be the one to have to handle discipline, for instance, "This isn't my kid, this isn't my problem, but I hate the behavior so you have to deal with it." Communication and teamwork are essential in a step parenting situation.

When first entering the step parent relationship, feeling unsure is normal. The only way to resolve this feeling is through sensitive and thoughtful communication. Even biological parents feel unsure at times and must also communicate well in order to reach important decisions and compromises. Optimally, you have learned mature communication techniques before becoming involved in a relationship. However, counseling in a mediation environment can help facilitate sound communication skills. In a previous article I described various ways in which to discuss concerns, reach compromises and formulate strategies for team parenting. This is no less important for step parents than it is for biological parents. No matter what stage you joined with the new family unit, you must get "on the same page" with your spouse to achieve any consistency in parenting.

The ability to have mature, sensitive and thoughtful discussions is the first step to teamwork. To work as a team means that you support each other, and share disciplinary duties as well as the passing out of rewards and fun. Yes, this means you will be unpopular at times. Well, guess what? So are biological parents at times. No child loves to be told "No", but there are times when parents must say the "n" word anyway. Do you think no biological parent has been told by a tantrumming child "I hate you!!"? As a step parent you'll probably hear "You aren't my REAL parent!! I don't have to do what you say!" at least once, but the only difference is in the wording. The bottom line is that the kid just doesn't want to be told "No" whether you are real parent or step parent.

Okay, now, so what if you are just "moving in" with a girlfriend who has an out of control child? I see no difference. A piece of paper, neatly signed and notarized, does not make you a parent of any sort. Once you move in, like it or not, you are part of the entire family. The whole dynamic of this family will change the moment you step foot in the house with your belongings in tow. This isn't just about you and your girlfriend. You must love each other enough to commit yourself to the entire family relationship as equal members of the team. If you do not wish for this type of commitment, then for goodness sakes admit it and move on for the good of all concerned. Otherwise, you are just going to be adding to the family problems and all of you will be miserable.

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