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The Unlovable Child

© Jean Hamman

Now that we have learned about enabling and detachment, let us move on to deal with the conflicted feelings each of us has about tough moments we often face in the course of parenting a troubled teen.

By instinct we love and nurture our offspring, by instinct we separate from our children and allow them to seek mature lives of their own. We are not, however, as in tune with our instincts as other species and the conflict which arises between love and the inevitable separation causes many emotional difficulties. There are moments when we feel we hate our children. There are times when our teens feel they hate us. We have been taught that hate is wrong and hating makes us feel awful about ourselves.

There are moments when parenting an out of control child that if we were lions in Kenya we'd roar and slap them so hard their best friend's grandma would feel it. The fact that we are not lions in Kenya does not prevent us from feeling this way on occasion, it only prevents us from acting on that impulse. The same human conscience that prevents us from acting on that impulse, slaps us about the head for feeling that way in the first place.

Okay, but there was that one time that he pushed your buttons so hard that before you even knew it you had lashed out and slapped him. Yes, you're correct, this was not the best way to deal with the situation. Yes, you would be correct in acknowledging that you would benefit from some anger control and prevention strategies. Yes, you should learn how to avoid such responses in the future. But it does not make you a heinous serial killer the likes of Ted Bundy.

The fear of being shamed prevents us from making many drastic errors. However, past a certain point, shame can be completely counter productive. Shame can prevent us from forgiving ourselves enough to admit our problems and seek help. Misplaced shame can prevent us from seeking help for our out of control children.

Have you ever been mistreated by a stranger? Treated rudely in traffic? Yelled at in the office? Were you overwhelmed by warm, fuzzy feelings when this happened? Did you feel bad about not loving these unlovable individuals? Out of control teens are only lovable because we recognize them as our children. We feel horrid when we cannot love our unlovable child. We expect too much of ourselves and forget that our children are mere humans just like that gesticulating baboon in traffic.