Enabling and Detachment, Part Two

Use a parent/teen behavior contract to help you remain consistent. Do not give repeated chances to correct behavior, detach yourself from arguments, do not be judgmental. Accept the fact that the rules were not obeyed, allow the consequences and move on. Providing a willing ear does not mean you stand and listen to your teen rant and rave about the consequences. Encourage them through supportive comments such as "I've known you for 17 years, I have every faith that if you had the strength to make this choice, you also have the strength and intellect to accept the consequences." That said, move on, no argument.

These are not your consequences anymore than it was your choice of behavior that led to them. Your teen made the choice, these are your teen's consequences for that decision. Stress that fact. Add into your contract that you will not judge or harass them for their mistakes. They are free now to make mistakes and learn from them. This will sound great to your teen! But then you add the parental whammy to that section of the contract by reminding them that the consequences they agreed to in the contract will hold without argument, because if there are no consequences, good or bad, there are no life lessons learned.

Gentle detachment is all part of the natural cutting of the apron strings that bind your teen to childhood. Detachment helps both you and your teen become emotionally prepared for the day that they are on their own and you are no longer in control of their lives. I'm going to leave you with a link to a page that many of my message board parents have found helpful. I suggest to them that they do as I did and print the page out and put it where they can readily read it several times a day. Whenever I had to make tough decisions, or allow hard consequences, this page gave me great inner peace and strength. I hope it will help you as well. http://www.talamasca.org/avatar/lettingg...

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