By detaching we allow our children to face the consequences of their actions. Life often gives no second chances. Life, in fact, is fairly quick to pile up consequences, both good and bad, quite swiftly. In your home you are giving your troubled teen a taste of the swift sureness of life's consequences in a safer, more controlled environment. While no one outside your home has to love your teens when they goof, they come to know that their parents will. Parental love is their safety net whether they realize it or not.
Detachment is refusing to condone, through enabling reactions, our children's poor choices. We detach ourselves by letting go and allowing our children to learn from life's consequences. We detach by letting go and refusing to glorify our children's poor behaviors with a draining emotional reaction. We detach by treating our children like young adults. Being treated like an adult is, after all, what they are telling you they want. Allow them to taste the richness of adult responsibilities in all their glory.
Your best friend of 18 years confides in you that he/she is having an extramarital affair. Do you yell and scream at her? Do you ground her for the rest of her natural life? Do you end your friendship? Unless he/she is having this affair with your spouse or your teen I doubt you would do any of the above. At most you'd probably groan and say "OHmyword... do you really think that's wise?" You would naturally be concerned and care about your friend, but I seriously doubt you'd judge them and sentence them to eternal damnation for their choices, ending an 18 year relationship. Neither would you embrace or congratulate choices your friend makes that you believe are wrong.
Your friend will face the consequences of his/her actions, all you can do is provide a willing ear in the aftermath. This is the same emotional detachment we must learn to use with our troubled teens. We do not remove the love, we only remove the emotional reaction to their bad behaviors. We do not bail them out of trouble, we merely provide a willing ear and encouragement in the aftermath. If your teen becomes verbally abusive, do not give them the satisfaction of the usual reaction. Refuse to react. Detach. Find a place of inner quiet and leave your teen to argue alone. Ignore their efforts to control the situation. Your word was final and enough and does not need to be repeated into the ground. If your child wishes to argue, he/she can argue to an empty room.
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