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The Importance of Extended Family

© Jean Hamman

My father-in-law died unexpectedly last week while he was recovering from a surgery. Perhaps, I'm cheating a bit by choosing extended family as a topic, but we are all still stunned and in shock over this event and I can think of little else.

My husband had never been married, and never had children of his own when I met him six years ago. I met him and his family approximately six months after his Dad had undergone surgery to remove a cancerous kidney. The entire family welcomed me with open arms during my first visit and Dad even shed tears on my last day in town. He expressed his joy that my sons and I would be joining his family.

My children and I were gathered into this clan as if we had always belonged here. My boys were treated with the same love and interest that the biological grandchildren were given. When the serious troubles with my eldest son began, this family gathered around us and offered no end of understanding and support. When we had to make tough decisions, they were right here offering a hand to clench.

Did they love my son less or treat him differently because of his choices? Did they cast the first shadow of blame in our direction? Absolutely not. They helped us by continually encouraging our son to change and expressing their faith that he could and would. They became part of our "team". When my son was put in Juvenile Detention they called us daily or came by the house to find out how he was doing, and to see how we were holding up. Due to rules prohibiting all but parents from visiting, they were unable to visit him in detention, but this did not prevent them from keeping track of his progress. My father-in-law shed tears of empathy.

Over the past year, as my son has worked hard to recover from his substance abuse and behavior issues, my father in law never once berated him for his past mistakes. He expressed only the most genuine pleasure and pride at my son's accomplishments and forward strides. He never piled on guilt over past transgressions. He included my son and his girlfriend in family events and conversations. I don't think either he or my son realized the education that was being given as well as absorbed. I imagine they both just thought these family "stories" were fun to tell and fun to hear.