Team Up to Manage your Teen

A good question was brought up last week in the discussion section from my previous article on Parent Abuse. One of the overriding themes during my tenure as the parent of a troubled teen, as well as during my recent months as a support giver for parents who continue to have problems with their teens, is the theme of "being on the same page" as your spouse.

Being on the "same page" means that you and your spouse must be in agreement, or you must at the very least find a common ground from which to make your stand in order to effectively lead your troubled teen. This may very well mean many compromises in the way each of you parent. Reaching compromises will mean either raising or lowering your priorities to meet those of your spouse in a comfortable middle zone.

In order to achieve this balance, I would first sit down with my spouse and each of us would write a list of behaviors we wish to change in our teen, beginning with what we feel are the most urgent. Next I would take the items we are in agreement on and take a critical view of their priority. For instance, say you both hate the way he dresses but you both know he needs to attend school, refrain from drugs and alcohol, immediately cease being verbally or physically abusive. Getting the problems on paper helps to set your priorities. Yes, pants that hang off the end of his butt are repugnant to say the least, however, this just means you won't take him out with you in public unless he dresses properly. His mode of dress should obviously not be given the energy you should learn to reserve for managing the more serious behaviors.

After setting the priorities we are in agreement upon, my spouse and I should then tackle the behaviors where we conflict. This can be tough, so I'd suggest getting tubs of your favorite ice cream, and sitting at a candle lit table in order to relax the atmosphere. There is an excellent web site on my links page called Re-Evaluation Counseling. This is a terrific resource for learning deep communication skills and I highly advise making the effort to go through each step. You may find amazing reasons why your spouse feels the way he/she does about your areas of parental conflict. You will be able to empathize with his/her feelings and in turn you both will be more able to find a compromise.

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