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Where have I gone wrong??

© Jean Hamman

"Where have I gone wrong??" is a sad yet familiar refrain among parents with troubled teenagers. Most loving, attentive parents blame their child rearing skills first. Why? Because society encourages us to blame parents for the behaviors of their children, as parents we feel helpless, and we are hobbled by our fears.

We have laws that hold the parents responsible for the actions of their children. In some cases this may be a fair assessment. We have friends with "normal" teens who don't understand why "we" cannot control our children when theirs follow rules so easily. We have relations who grew up learning right from wrong in a woodshed out back of the house. Conversations begin with "Why aren't you doing thus and so?" "Why did you let him/her get away with that?" or "If that was my kid I'd blah blah blah" In essence, almost everywhere we look for help we find blame instead. However, in many cases, nothing short of duct taping the child to the wall of his room is going to prevent bad behavior. Troubled children do not all spring from the same bed of fertilizer. Both genetics and environment play a role.

Give this some thought. When you were young and high spirited, did any of you sneak a few beers with your buddies? Didn't your parents forbid this kind of behavior? I know I did, and I know my parents strictly forbade me to do it. Did that stop me? No. What could they have done to stop me? Duct tape. Yes, they could ground me, but there's a window. Nail or bar the window you say? Can't...fire hazard, plus you have to sleep sometime, what's to prevent me from sneaking out at 3 am while you sleep?

Past a certain point it is unrealistic to believe you can control the actions of your teens anymore than you can control the actions of your next door neighbor. What you CAN do is allow your child to experience the logical consequences of his/her actions. This is where many of us make our mistakes.

As natural loving parents we instinctively move to protect our children in the same manner as a mother bear protects her young, in the same manner as a mother bird will attack an animal 100 times her size to protect her nest. Protecting our young is our greatest responsibility. The instinctual knowledge many of us tend to forget or find too difficult is the knowledge that our offspring must learn hard lessons in order to survive. Our understanding of mortality becomes a stumbling block to the lessons our children must learn.

The copyright of the article Where have I gone wrong?? in Parenting Troubled Teens is owned by Jean Hamman. Permission to republish Where have I gone wrong?? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.