Keep the faith, if you can

Tolkien ever devised. The wall would go on tour from city to city and raise money for reading programs around the world. The Voice of Tolkien radio series will preach tolerance and respect for other races in the world's ethnic trouble spots. Elven fashion designers will be dressing up their models on the runway to look like lords and ladies of the Eldar (naturally based on the movies' costumes). Society will be changed forever, world peace will finally be realized, and we'll colonize Mars with a spaceship named the Veantur. The first city on Mars will be Armenelos, and the United States and Russia will announce the Gondolin project, where they send select colonists to begin the centuries-long joint project of converting Venus' highly sulphuric atmosphere to something cool and breathable. There will be no end to the influence that I...er, Tolkien scholars everywhere can have on mankind's future. Well, okay, maybe that's extrapolating a little bit too much. We'll be lucky if we don't get saddled with Hobbit bars from some candy company (or, worse, Elf Wafers). The point is, as soon as all the licensing deals are done, companies are going to be out looking for someone who can spell J.R.R. Tolkien's name correctly without having to grab a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary (quick, do you know which section he helped to edit?). And the sad thing is that when all these Tolkien experts have had their say, you and I will be left wondering who the heck they are and how they got those jobs, and why no one asked us to tell them how long the Elves' ears should be. That's what everyone is afraid of, isn't it? That we won't be consulted on how Bill the Pony should stand, what goes into his packs, and whether the Breetown Weeblies set should include a hedge or not. The world is doomed, and we are all fated to fade away. Haul out the last ship, guys; I'm feeling homesick for Aman already....

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