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Coming Back from 'The Edge'

© Mike Woods

On a regular basis a host of writers and myself pen words meant to encourage, yet discourage instead. We write of marriage and the wonderful experience it can be for everyone involved.

We offer easy answers to everything from marital bliss to home improvement. And still out there, among the marrieds, there is a silent fear...'what if we can't bring it back from the edge?'

You'll know the edge when you see it...it's that time or place when you suddenly discover you don't care if your marriage makes it or not. You begin imagining life alone. You begin to walk around with a profound sense of sadness and loss over what might have been and all you hoped it would be.

And the most frightening thing is when you realize you don't seem to have the energy to even work on it...that even if you wanted to, you've developed a relational lethargy. Welcome to the edge.

There are no easy answers for this one. If it were easy, you'd be there by now. If it were obvious, it'd show up on Oprah. How do you retreat from the edge with yourself and your marriage intact.

If you're a church-goer, you call your pastor. He offers some well-meaning advice, but it probably seems a bit vague and irrelevant. I'm a pastor. I can only imagine how some of my advice sounds.

If you're spiritual, you look up the pertinent passages in whatever text you turn to for inspiration. Or perhaps you call a friend. They offer whatever solution bailed them out, if indeed it succeeded.

Sooner or later, you have to have a long talk with yourself. Maybe you take a very long walk or an even longer drive. Or you stand for a while in front of the mirror. You ask yourself...'who is this person, and why are they so unhappy?'

Eventually, you have to make a decision. Granted, not all marriages survive, a sad testament to the times in which we live where things are more important than people.

At this point you make a decision...am I in or out? Will I fight for this thing or surrender? Will I take responsibility for my part? Will I re-engage? Or will I stay out here on the edge? The call is ours. Completely. Terribly. Thankfully.

In the long run, most of us wish we'd put more into the relationship. Whether we make it back from the edge or not, most of us would admit we could have done more. Listened more closely. Simplified our schedules. All the things that contribute to marital health.