Avoiding Marital Incompatibility

Part of what I do for a living is listening to people in times of crisis. And often, it's in the middle of a marital crisis. Over the years, I've heard lots of stories. Some sad, some just puzzling.

One of the more puzzling aspects of marital crisis involves the issues of compatibility. It never ceases to amaze me how two people can live together for so long only to come to a point of seemingly absolute incompatibility.

Take Bret and Stacy for example (not their real names). They married young. They reared children. And partway through the process, they found themselves in relational anonymity. They were clueless concerning their mates. She knew the basic stuff...Bret likes his eggs over easy...and don't over cook the steak. He knew the basic stuff...Stacy likes most of the CBS movies of the week.

Yet, when it came to what Bret or Stacey was truly feeling, they were both clueless. And it gets worse. Suddenly the long walks they used to take were no fun for Stacey. And Bret refused to go to the mall with her even one more time. They were in the grips of progressive incompatibility.

To talk to them you'd be persuaded, depending on who you talked with, that the other was just doing it intentionally. One say that the other just didn't care anymore.

What happened? How did they get here? Was it the kids? Was it the jobs? Or was it something more personal for each of them? Something about how they'd chosen to live.

The problem for most of us as couples is that we do all the work up front and assume that's all that's needed. The truth is that marriage is WORK. It's work. It can be great work, fun work, rewarding work. But it's still work.

Work like listening to your spouse when you'd rather watch TV. Work like choosing to spend 'couple time' when you'd rather spend alone time. Work like taking the time to listen not only to the words, but to the heart and soul behind them.

Marriage partners can prevent this. First, set a VERY HIGH standard for your marriage. Determine that you will not settle for a 'room mate' kind of marriage. Or a 'business partnership' kind of marriage. Set the standard high. Determine that you will do whatever it takes to fan the flames of romance in your marriage. Get serious about coming to know your spouse again. We DO change over time. And if the other person isn't paying attention, they'll get behind. It happens all the time.

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