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The Magical Ingredient to Good Communication

© Jane James

Have you ever found yourself in a "discussion" with your spouse where one of you is doing all of the arguing - er, I mean "discussing"? You find yourself criticizing and complaining, and you wonder how this all came about, when your intention had been to have a productive, positive discussion about something?

Well - this has happened to me, and it's happened to people I know, and not just in marriages.

I'd like to shed some light on this particular phenomenon.

It's all about communication, of course.

That sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? We all know that the secret to a good relationship is communication, right? We begin talking in babyhood, and during our entire lives we are communicating.

So, if that's all that there is to communication, why do marriage counselors make a fortune helping couples to communicate better? Why do experts write such confusing books about the different ways men and women communicate?

Is something so basic really so complicated and hard to understand? Is good communication in a marriage really so elusive?

I believe the trick to doing most things well in life is to start with the simplest factors. When something as native to humans as communication goes awry, it may be that one of the basic ingredients is missing.

What are the elements to communication, anyway?

Well, let's take Cindy and Joe, for an example. Cindy is upset that Joe didn't pick up his dirty socks again. She tells Joe that it's upset her. Joe hears what she's saying and feels bad about it, and decides to remember to put his socks in the laundry hamper next time.

Some people think this is all that there is to communication. One person has a thought, puts it in words to the other person. The other receives the communication. After all, this is how we get communication from advertisers, right? We see the ad on tv, or in a magazine, the idea is expressed, and we receive it. Nothing more to it!

Or is there?

Let's look at how this conversation can go between Cindy and Joe:

Cindy: "Joe, you left your socks on the floor again."

Joe makes no response. After all, he's watching the game, and doesn't want to get into a long conversation, but he thinks he'll remember next time to not leave his dirty socks lying around.

Cindy: "You know, I keep the hamper next to the bedroom door. Just put your socks in there."

Again, no response. Yes, he will remember next time, he's sure of it.