Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid... Aren't They?


© Jane James

This may be sound advice in some situations, and even in some marriages. If your marriage is based on romance and chemistry, and if you feel your love can survive with only the nourishment provided by flowers and evenings out on the town, then it is probably good advice. Telling your spouse that you forgot to pay the phone bill on time, or you were given a negative evaluation at work, or that you disagree with his style of disciplining the children is quite likely to take the sheen off some of the romance.

Remember, the sweetness of romance can also be entirely swept away by a colicky baby, the intrusion of nosy in-laws, or the loss of a job. Since life will introduce its own romance-wreckers, isn't it better to start practicing for the times when it's not a story-book?

If you can keep your life full of sweetness and light, then you can probably count on the romance to get you through. But if, like the rest of us, you find crow's feet creeping up on you, then perhaps you need to find something else to bolster your marriage. Something more solid than romance and flowers. Something that can withstand a few storms.

I knew a woman who woke up every morning at 5 am, so she could shower, apply makeup, and take a curling iron and mousse to her hair before putting her nightgown back on and climbing back into bed. Her reason? She wanted to protect her husband from the site of her true, beautiful self in the morning. She was married for five years before her husband saw her without her makeup on.

She thought that marriage was romance and flowers, and I am certain she doubted that her marriage could survive the light of day. Not knowing the couple very well, I couldn't say for certain, but my guess is that her husband was not so weak as she thought. I know he didn't keel over from a heart attack the morning he finally saw her "in the rough." Most men can survive the site of the woman they love at 5 am, even with morning breath and smudged mascara. In fact, I think most men find the sleepy, I-just-woke-up look to be quite sexy!

In an effort to protect her husband from her less-than-perfect self, she hid some truth from him. She sought romance, but not friendship.

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Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: View all related messages

3.   Aug 31, 2004 12:04 PM
In response to message posted by jerrib:

How can you have truth when your partner won't talk about the things that are not ...


-- posted by uncertain


2.   Jul 17, 2004 2:56 PM
You have to have truth and trust in a marriage or it will not last!

-- posted by jerrib


1.   Jul 13, 2004 12:09 PM
We only tell one another what we would tell our best friend - which is absolutely everything.

It's not the truth that destroys marriages - it's what is left unsaid that destroys marriage!


-- posted by Zanzi





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