How to Survive a Long Car Ride with Children

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Jan 19, 2001

1. Do head-count of children.

2. Notice one of heads belongs to neighbor's child. Nicely throw this child out of the car.

3. Turn key clockwise in ignition.

4. Back out of driveway slowly, as neighbor's child may not have made it all the way home yet and is possibly hanging onto your back bumper with skateboard.

5. Turn stereo nob to ON position.

6. When children begin complaining, ask if they would like to hear the story of how you had to convince their father to take them all home from the hospital again.

7. When they forget this subtle threat and act up again, offer a new Sega game to the child who wins the "Quiet Contest."

8. If things appear too quiet, pull over to side of the road and do head-count again. Be sure that no one's head is stuffed under a seat, no duct tape is being used, and no one is playing with explosives, markers, or dirty magazines.

9. After you've taken away the dirty magazine, pull back onto the highway and continue driving.

10. When a child says, "I have to go to the bathroom," pull over immediately and carry child under arm like a football, into the woods if necessary. This should never be taken lightly.

11. When you have arrived at your destination, allow them to run amock. The more amock, the better, as you will certainly be thankful for this foresight when it comes time to drive back home later, and your children are fast asleep in the car.

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