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Life After a Surrogate Birth - Page 2

© Heather Weller

But would it not be normal to be sad at the end of a surrogacy? I equate it to being involved in a play: for weeks or months you rehearse, you submerge yourself in a role, as the time for opening night nears your life tends to become more and more focused on this event, and then you have that wonderful shining moment on the stage, everything goes off wonderfully, the audience loves it, you couldn't have been better. And. Then. It's. Over. With a surrogacy, you've dedicated at the very least nearly a year to helping someone else be a parent when the delivery comes. And with very few exceptions, I've always heard the moment of seeing the IPs with their new child as being the highest high a surrogate can experience. But after that, where is there to go but down?

Add that to the totally normal hormonal mood fluctuations following any birth and you have a woman ready to cry.

Those who've described the downtime most vividly often talk of feeling totally elated one moment and devastated shortly after because their part in this is done. It's not the baby they miss - that is something everyone is emphatic about because of common perception - it's either the surrogacy itself or the IPs or the "specialness" of being pregnant, or simply the hormones going for a joy ride. And it's completely normal, if not often discussed.

I think it's important that surrogates know this so that when the time comes, they know they're not the only surrogate who's ever cried when the baby left the hospital, or when they said goodbye to their IPs, or alone at night afraid to let anyone see them.

I also think it's essential for IPs to be aware of this, because as almost any parent can tell you, it's very easy to become totally myopic when you bring home that child for the first time. Besides the rigors of adjusting to an infant's schedule, the whole process of adjusting to being a family leaves little energy or attention to other details. For IPs who've been trying to years to have a child then turn to surrogacy - or even just those who came to surrogacy initially as a way to conceive - the end of the surrogacy is not an end at all, but merely the beginning of their dreams.

As natural as that is, the IPs should remember this is the end of the surrogate's role and dream. As easy as it is to get swept away in the day-to-day minute-to-minute minutiae of new parenthood, it is important to remember the person who brought you to this point of obsession! Many IPs speak of wanting to make a "clean break" and simply be a new family, and worry that keeping the surrogate involved in their lives will be more difficult for everyone. (Of course, the amount of contact after the birth one desires differs greatly from case to case - and is something everyone should discuss early and often.) But of the surrogates I know who had the easiest return to being "a woman who once was a surrogate" versus being "a former surrogate who wonders exactly how XXX is doing" were those who had some input from the IPs as they made the adjustment to being a family, who were allowed some time to say goodbye to the baby they carried in the hospital (often in private - something that scares a lot of IPs, unfortunately), and who felt appreciated for their role in making their IPs family a reality. It's this bit of extra hand-holding that actually often turns out to be a big source of closure.

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