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Life After a Surrogate Birth

© Heather Weller

You've just delivered a surrogate baby, what are you going to do? If you answered you're going to Disneyland, perhaps you should postpone that a month or so. Chances are you're going into that amusement park thrill ride all its own: post partum mood swings.

I've read many surrogate birth stories over the past two years, and they're all wonderful to read. But some have stuck out for their honesty in dealing with the emotional aspects of the time after the birth. And those that have shared a common theme: it's not all happy all the time.

I think this is an important message to get out there to those in the world of surrogacy who haven't been through a birth yet: either as a surrogate or as an intended parent (IP). Many birth stories I read (by surrogates; I've read a few by the new parents themselves, but not as frequently. Hard as it is to believe, it seems they have something else to concentrate on ;)) would describe the amazing moment when the child was born and handed to the IPs, and how seeing how happy that made them made the surrogate feel an amazing surge of peace and pride for doing this amazing thing. Very few of these birth stories mentioned the down time that follows for MANY surrogates.

It seems in part to avoid scaring others, and in part to avoid having others think they are "regretting their decision" or "want to keep the baby," many surrogates don't mention or downplay the sadness they experience after the delivery. And while I'm sure there are some surrogates out there who never have a single pang of sadness, that would seem to be a highly unlikely scenario. Though not for the reasons many outsiders initially assume.

In today's society, if you mention surrogacy, people often still think instantly of Mary Beth Whitehead (15 years later!). One of the main questions surrogates are asked is "how can you be sure you can give up the baby?" That is what everyone focuses on. And many surrogates report feeling totally "watched" in the days and weeks following delivery, as those around them - especially those who were skeptical about the whole surrogacy thing to begin with - wait for them to fall apart and realize they made a huge mistake and they want that baby back. They feel the only way to avoid having to explain and justify any sadness is to deny any has occurred.