Children's Emotional Intelligence

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Dec 14, 2001

While browsing your local bookstore, you have probably seen Daniel Goleman's book, "Emotional Intelligence" one of the books that spun off from it. Most of the experts agree that emotional intelligence is a vital part of a person's overall intelligence. I found that when I looked at this particular aspect of my children's growth, it opened many doors for us and strengthened my children's abilities to deal with obstacles. Let's look at more than IQ; let's look at EQ.

How do we identify emotional intelligence? One of the simple tests administered to young children involves postponing fulfillment in order to receive a bigger reward. The researcher puts a marshmallow on the table and tells the child he can either eat it now or wait until the researcher comes back with a second marshmallow, then eat both. A child who is able to control bodily appetites long enough to earn the bigger reward is considered to more emotionally intelligent. The premise is that the ability to control one's bodily urges is what makes us human, sophisticated and makes for a moral society.

I tried the marshmallow test with my children. I gave them each a marshmallow on their little kid-sized table, walked out of the room and peeked around the corner. Hurray! They weren't eating the marshmallows. I was thrilled just as any parent is when their children are doing well. I came back a full five minutes later with the extra marshmallows and offered them to my boys. They politely said, "No thanks" and went back to playing. So much for the experiment! The child/subject needs to want the item that is being offered or the experiment tells us nothing (other than the fact that my kids don't like marshmallows).

I tried the experiment with more desirable items: toys. I saw them struggle as they weighed the importance and relevance of what they wanted now and how long they could wait for something better. As we worked on our abilities to wait, to be patient, I saw my children grow in a way I never would have recognized if my eyes had not been open to it.

If you would like to exercise your child's EQ, here are some ideas you may want to try. I got these ideas from friends, teachers and other parents who were earnestly trying to teach their children life's many important lessons.

1. Practice Start/Stop games. For example, "Let's run to the corner, but listen carefully to me... Start! Stop!" Games such as these (Red Light / Green Light is a classic example) allow a child to practice exerting control over his whole body. Your child will love being the one in charge of the "Start! Stop!" commands, especially if you stop in funny positions.

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