Problem Solving--An Overlooked Skill
Once children have mastered the ability to select an option to solve a problem, they can learn to lead the problem solving process. For us, the phrase, "What can we do to solve this problem?" was the phrase that stuck. I have fond memories of my 5 year old putting his hands on his hips and saying to his younger brother, "How can we solve this problem brother?" At first, your child will need guidance in brainstorming for solutions. Brainstorming is a skill that is taught and practiced at nearly all levels of education. For example, if your child wants dessert before dinner, ask, "What can we do to solve this problem?" Your child's first answer will probably be, "Have only dessert and no dinner." In order for mutual problem solving to work, you need to accept your child's suggestions (role modeling good listening skills). You obviously won't have a dessert-only dinner, but you will have listened to your child's ideas. Suggest a few solutions yourself, "What if we had one bite of dessert first, then ate a good dinner with extra carrots, and then had the whole dessert?" Suggest several ideas. Suggest silly ideas. Suggest funny ideas. Make problem solving fun. "What if we ate dessert while standing on our heads?" In the end, you want a happy little child who can successfully confront and resolve anything that comes his way.
When children are older, they can handle more creative problem solving on their own. For example, if a child forgets a homework assignment at school, you can say, "What do you want to do?" You can still contribute to the problem solving but you need to set limits. For example, if your child wants you to drive him back to school to get his homework, you may say, "No, sorry. That solution won't work for me." Help your child continue problem solving until he figures out something that will work. If you're optimistic, you can often encourage your child to find a creative, workable solution.
When your child enters the teen years, your conversation style will shift again. It's a basic, common tendency for teens to reject everything the parent says, so if you make a suggestion to a problem solving situation, it will most likely go on the teen's "do not do" list even if it was a great solution. The most supportive thing you can do on a
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