My Future Is Found In My History (3)

That fearful child has other things going on besides not being able to trust what she thought or what she felt. She was also very pissed off at everybody and everything.

It didn't help that I carried around in my head and heart the Mother that would have sudden bursts of anger. She would alternate between yelling and hitting with the sudden silences that would freeze me out of her life. (I am still tied to that emotional chaos. I expect, 47 years later, to be slapped whenever I say or do something that she would have considered objectionable. Which in the eyes of the child I carry with me, almost everything I do that upsets someone else or doesn't live up to anothers expectations. Not once did I see that I was angry too. Always afraid if I let go just a tiny bit, I would lose complete control. There was no way I was going to rage like my mother. Yet, so many times I overreacted in a situation and made a fool of myself. Always ending up feeling guilt and shame.

Instead of feeling my feelings I stuffed them deeper and deeper inside. The more I tried to assure myself there was no reason to feel whatever it was I was feeling, my need to numb out grew. My sense of deprivation led me back into the loop of self abuse and fear. So, I over ate to feel better. I drank alcohol or used drugs to find a sense of ease and comfort. (I was hasing after that "aaah" feeling from the first hit or the first drink.). I sought out men to love me in ways that enforced my self image (If they put me down I stuck to them like glue.) I spent money to provide more things to make me happy. (The only thing I don't do right now is use drugs or alcohol and sleep with lots of men. I still use food and money in ways that do not promote serenity.)

My identity, created even before I could talk and nurtured through out the developmental stages of my life continued to haunt me. I needed to create a new identity for my self. That was much easier said than done. It took a lot of conscious effort and time. It took a long, long time. (Actually it takes as long as it takes).

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