My Future Is Found In My History (1)

With the next few articles, I would like to share some of what I have learned along the recovery path. Like a jigsaw puzzle, I have been putting pieces together. First the corners, and the edges. Parts of the center came together and sat like small islands until another piece came along to connect them. A lot of what I know about myself today came from conversations with others and reading about self help. There have been times when I have worked really hard. Then I had to stop and take time to get comfortable in my new expanded skin.

Am I an addict because of nature (my genes) or nurture (my environment)? I believe it is both. With hindsight I have come to understand both my substance abuse and depression are products physical characteristics and emotional tendencies. One of the insights that connected a lot of the pieces was the realization I was living in the past. By that, I mean my actions and reactions were (and still are sometimes!) based on an identity created before I could even talk.

( It is interesting to me, how on a new job, or with new friends, my identity is established. Its almost as if, based on that first impression, how I am to be looked upon is set in stone. I demonstrate a certain skill or behavior. People respond to that in ways that set how they will respond to me in the future. This identity becomes fixed and damn near impossible to change. . I have gone on to build entire lifestyles around these identities.)

The core identity that I return to when I am hurting is that I am unable to trust my physical senses and my feelings. . Many of the messages I received as a child formed these beliefs. Do any of these statements sound familiar.? "You don't have any reason to be angry (hurt, lonely, tired.)" teaching me to deny feelings and "You can't be cold (hungry, sick.)" teaching me my physical senses could not be trusted.

(My clearest memory of being told not to trust my body was about having cold feet. My mother had taken me ice skating at an outdoor arena. It was supposed to have been an adventure and a special treat. I am sure we hadn't really been there very long before my feet got really really cold! When I complained of this she insisted that there was no way my feet could be cold and to just keep skating. I remember how painful it was when I was finally able to let my feet warm up. And mind you, I didn't dare complain!)