In general, it is considered shocking that an adult could marry a child's parent and not automatically love the child. When you think of it, though, nobody raises an eyebrow if the child has trouble accepting the new stepparent, because it is accepted that there is a time of adjustment. It isn't possible to force somebody to love another person, and stepparents often need time to work their own way into comfortable relationships with the entire family.
Often it is a case of the stepparent and children not knowing each other very well before the marriage takes place. Time, along with the development of a family identity, will help fondness grow in many cases, but there are times when it still doesn't work. People co-exist quite happily without feeling deep love for each other, and it isn't unknown for stepparents and stepchildren to develop strong friendships after some time has gone by.
No matter how close a stepparent does or doesn't feel to the stepchildren, it is important for them to be as available in the same way they are for the biological kids, and to treat them the same as much as possible. Turning up at sports events and other activities shows the stepchildren that you're there for them, proud of their accomplishments, and supporting their efforts. Listening to their concerns, showing empathy, and encouraging them shows that you care.
Household rules apply to all the children, so there shouldn't be any obvious differences in the treatment between stepchildren and biological ones. If the stepchildren are the only youngsters in the family, the stepparent will want to work closely with the biological parent to make sure that rules and punishments are fair and age-appropriate. When there are clearly understood rules that both parents enforce, confrontations with the stepchildren are less likely.
When a stepchild is difficult to like because of problem behavior, a somewhat different approach may be needed. The child's behavior could be related to some deep feelings about the arrival of a stepparent, and it helps if you can find out if this is the case. Maybe they think the stepparent will try to replace the absent biological parent; and, because of that, they feel divided loyalties. Reassure the children that there is a place for everyone in the family, show that you understand that their mother or father will always hold that special role, and emphasize that you don't want to replace the parent. The stepparent is "another adult who cares about you," or, in the case of visitation, "someone you can talk to while you are here."
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