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Stepfathers: Part 3

© Judi Chapman

For earlier articles on this topic, click Part One and Part Two.

The articles covered here took an approach that assumed a stepfather was arriving without his own biological children. The information given applies to any stepfather condition, but the man in a blended family will have another side to his fathering, and a noncustodial biological father will have even another side. As these men are learning to relate to their stepchildren, they also will be striving to keep a solid relationship with their biological children.

When a man marries a woman with children, it is almost guaranteed that it will take longer for the household to settle down than he thinks it will. At Building Relationships: Getting Beyond Being Furniture there are some good suggestions for the new stepfather, and some reminders for dads who have been around for a while. The authors start by saying how important it is not to insist that the children use the name "dad" or any other form of the title. In time, the matter of the name will work itself out.

In the above article, some tips are given for the new stepfather, and these are discussed in considerable detail. Some of them are as follows:

• Be helpful to your stepchildren when opportunities arise.
• Take an interest in their activities.
• Be supportive and accepting of your wife's relationship with her children.

Another look at some of the difficulties that can be part of a new stepfather's life is found at How To Succeed as a Stepfather. They first look at the area of discipline, reinforcing the idea that the new stepfather must resist the urge to straighten out the kids' behavior. It takes time for an emotional bond to develop, and the author states that it isn't possible to successfully discipline without that bond. Stepfathers who try to discipline too much or too soon "end up feeling inadequate, frustrated, and disappointed." The stepfather is active in disciplinary decisions, of course, but works with his wife behind the scenes; the children's mother announces the discipline, but says "WE have decided..."

"Promoting closeness" includes the stepfather telling the children how he feels, and showing that he recognizes and understands their feelings. The author suggests complimenting a child on a good pitching arm by adding, "you must get that from your dad." Tell the children that you're not their father, and you're not trying to replace him, but indicate that you will be there for them.