Stepparents: Discipline Revisited - Part 1

It is difficult for a new stepparent to know the best approach to take with disciplining the children, and usually it is the bioparent who actually announces what the rules will be. When the new family is blended, with children from both parents in the home, the same procedure applies: the bioparent tells his or her children what the routine is. In both cases, however, the parent is well advised to take a cautious approach with the stepchildren, and attempt to remain flexible and friendly.

A high priority item in the new home is the development of the house rules. Even if one parent/stepparent basically disagrees with the other's ideas, they need to take the time to work out a compromise. The most important point is that the parents have to be unified in their approach.

The parents' differences in approach to discipline are something they discuss in private: as far as the children are concerned, the parent and stepparent are in complete agreement. If there is a lack of unity, the children will sense it, and this can cause a major rift in the marriage.

Children aren't usually trying to break up the new marriage, but they have seen their parents' union fail and are wondering how strong the present one is. When the parent and stepparent discuss in private the rules for their home, it is best to avoid comments about the children such as "he's so sensitive," or "she'll just start crying if we punish her." A home needs rules, and children have to know what they are and what will happen if the rules are broken.

Discipline can range from a strong statement about stopping a behavior immediately to a punishment for breaking a rule. The usual retribution for misbehaving is withdrawal of privileges, and, once again, the severity of the denial is best decided by the parent and stepparent, away from the child.

Children who visit the other biological parent often come home stating that things are very different in the other home; of course, the rules are much more lax there! The answer to that is simply a statement that all homes are different, and parents don't have a world-wide code of what is acceptable and what isn't.

At Blended Families, in answer to a question, the idea of a Policy of Joint Agreement is suggested. Basically, it says that no disciplinary procedure will be used until both the parent and stepparent enthusiastically agree with it. Following the procedure will increasingly bring the two adults to a level of agreement about what is the best way to handle discipline.

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