One of the difficulties in the stepfamily is that the two adults, initially immersed in their romantic feelings, think that this is the way their relationship will continue. The children like the potential stepparent, and everybody gets along well, so there won't be any problems in the future. As many people have pointed out, this is not a good way to begin the family relationship, and reality will strike soon after the "I do" is said.
The moment the vows are completed, the absent biological parent is automatically relegated farther away from the family, at least one set of grandparents has been moved back a notch to allow for a new set, and various other relatives will see less of the children because of new steps who will be eager to have the kids around. On top of that, the children have an adult who was a friend but now is a stepparent, which isn't half as much fun as it was before. This person also expects to give commands and be listened to.
It has been said that stepparents are quick to blame themselves for the difficulties in the marriage, especially if the problems involve the children. Some writers say that the adults have had a broken relationship before and are afraid that this one is going the same way, so they tend to accept the situation rather than working through it. This thought is discussed in detail at Stepparents Are Afraid to Ask For Help. The author says that "having problems in a stepfamily situation is not a sign of failure but more of a misunderstanding of the complexities of stepfamily life and what is involved."
There is a lot of valuable information at Shared Parenting Information Group, where they emphasize "responsible shared parenting after separation and divorce." Even when children have a stepparent, they need to spend time with the other biological parent if possible. As part of that plan, both biological parents and the one or two stepparents involved should attempt to work together to create a smooth transition between the two homes.
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