Stepparents and Marriage: Part Two

What with hectic schedules, many activities and responsibilities, and children to care for, the adult couple in the stepfamily is usually the last consideration. They should, instead, be high priority. It has been said before, but bears repeating: the couple is the building block of the family relationship.

In order to function well in the home, the parent and stepparent need time alone together, and not just for discussing problems. They don't necessarily have to go "out on the town," but there should be time that is set aside as theirs. If evenings are spent catching up on recent events concerning home and work, then choose a weekend night for pure entertainment. It works out well if the children spend time visiting the other biological parent, or if one or both parents have joint custody and sometimes all the children are away at the same time.

If that isn't the case, sometimes a swap can be worked out with a neighbor or some friends, where they entertain your children for an evening in return for your returning the favor. Perhaps you have a relative who doesn't mind babysitting occasionally. If the budget allows, you can hire a babysitter every now and then.

On a more general note, a site that looks at the importance of a solid marriage for stepparents is Building Remarriage on a Firm Foundation. The author discusses a number of points about remarriage and says: "There are many challenges common to remarried couples - especially when children are involved. But realistic expectations and a willingness to be flexible can make it work." Some of the recommendations are:

• Take time to work out any personal problem you have with your spouse.
• Try to arrive at mutual decisions about discipline, household rules and finances.
• Nourish the marriage by planning private time together.

Another good place to check for ideas meant for stepparents is Ten Steps to Building Couple Strength (go down through five collections to reach this one). Besides emphasizing the need for time alone together, the author discusses family leadership, structure, discipline and guidance, and children's negative behaviors.

Thoughtful things that mean a lot don't have to be tied in with the one special evening; many constitute good manners, or respect for the other person. At 100 Ways To Love Your Mate there are some delightful suggestions that cover the romantic to the routine. Here are some samples:

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