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Stepparents and the Other Parent: Part One

© Judi Chapman

There is no point pretending that the other biological parent doesn't (or didn't) exist -- he or she remains an influence on the family. If the parent lives nearby, or if the children are involved in a joint custody arrangement, the other adult may be seen regularly, especially when picking up or bringing back the kids. In the cases where the biological parent is no longer alive, there are memories, and the stepparent often has a feeling of pressure about living up to how the absent parent supposedly behaved.

As discussed in an earlier item (Stepmothers, Part 2), there are an increasing number of biological and stepparents working together for the welfare of the children -- which is a wonderful situation for all concerned if it can be worked out --but it still isn't the norm. In many cases, the other parent appears to dislike the stepparent, and may actively work to turn the children against the newcomer.

In the case of a parent who is no longer living, grief is a part of the children's lives. It is understandable that the remaining parent wants to take the children to the cemetery for visits, and also answers the youngsters' questions about what the parent was like. All this can contribute to the stepparent's feelings of pressure about living up to the memories. It is neither fair, nor wise, to insist that children not discuss their parent; instead, take part in the conversation. Look at pictures if the children want to, and listen to the feelings the kids express.

When the other biological parent has left and seldom, if ever, sees the children, they need to believe that they haven't been rejected. The stepparent can help by emphasizing that the parent had to leave because of adult situations and not because the children did anything wrong. Saying negative things about the other parent won't accomplish anything.

With a biological parent nearby, either sharing custody or having visitation rights, there is an ongoing effect on the stepfamily even if the other adult isn't seen by the stepparent. The children may draw comparisons, quote the non-resident parent, or say that they would rather live in the other home. There are practical considerations, too, such as holidays, family events, and school activities.

Sometimes the stepparent's spouse doesn't realize how much the ex is a part of the family's functioning and how difficult the situation can be. There is no reason why the other parent should control the new family, and it is up to the stepparent's spouse to initiate discussions with the ex if it happens. There should be an understanding about unexpected visits, phone calls, and unasked for advice.

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