Stepparents: General Topics, Part 1

There are specific characteristics that apply to stepfamilies and blended families, although each family has its own particular set of them. Members of the family learn what to expect and how their family works with the differences between the individual members. Starting with the statement that "Stepfamilies are Different...Not Deficient!", the authors of Supporting Stepfamilies discuss how family members can "utilize their individual strengths to create strong, satisfying stepfamilies." Several differences are discussed in detail and include the following:

• Born of Loss
  Adults and children have had major losses of divorce or death, and the feelings of loss must be resolved.
• Myths and Expectations
  These can cause unnecessary pressure and stress in a stepfamily, especially the myth of "instant love."
• Previous History and Traditions
  Family members' habits, attitudes, values and rituals are familiar to others who have lived with them, but are not known by newer members. The lack of familiarity can seem threatening and uncomfortable.
• Family Boundaries
  Traveling between two homes can be difficult for the children as they adjust to two sets of rules and routines, and parents in both households need to help the children develop a sense of belonging.
• Legal Relationships
  Unless the stepparent adopts the children, there is little in the relationship of a legal nature, but adoption is not always an alternative. The lack of legal ties can cause a stepparent to hold back a bit on forming attachments with the children, not wanting to be hurt again if the family breaks up.
• Stepfamily Success
  Although there is tremendous variety between families, whether they are traditional or stepfamilies, new relationships are built. With time and patience, these can be strong and rewarding.

  For any system to work properly, there must be commitment to it, and that definitely applies to a remarriage. Both the man and woman need to contribute to making the relationship work: this includes learning from mistakes, and having flexible roles.

  An interesting site is Children and Stepfamilies: A Snapshot, where there are numerous statistics and research findings. As an example, one of the items reported is that "One out of every three Americans is currently a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling or some other member of a stepfamily."

  Salon magazine has a question and answer feature, One Step at a Time, based on a book that presented results from a study of stepfamilies.

  Although it is a short item, Step-parenting makes some good points about resentment in stepfamilies. This item may reassure parents who expected that the stepfamily would automatically work out well because everyone liked each other before they made a home together. Stepfamily adjustment not only takes a considerable amount of time, but also can be stressful for all concerned.

  The copyright of the article Stepparents: General Topics, Part 1 in Step- Parents is owned by Judi Chapman. Permission to republish Stepparents: General Topics, Part 1 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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